A Revolving Door

Last week, we said goodbye to Sunshine, who had been in our home for 7 months. We have been expecting reunification to happen for awhile, especially after she started overnight weekend visits over a month ago. It was with mixed feelings as we packed her things and said goodbye (this time we had a day's notice): sadness at seeing her go, probably never to meet again and not knowing how things will turn out for her, and yet relief at being free from the difficulties of having her go back and forth. The last month of her stay was tough for all in the household, and not because we got her newborn brother. It was because she was gone SO much. Towards the end, she was only here for about 16 hours of awake time a week. That didn't leave us much time to play with her and feel connected. She would come back from visits being more difficult to handle, which was understandable as she has different rules (or a lack thereof) there. So while it was hard to see her go, it was time, and best for everyone. I guess this all means that the transition home was successful: we went from feeling like parents to her, to an Aunt/Uncle/Nanny role as visits increased, to finally just like a babysitter this last month. We hope the best for her, that she'll be safe and happy. Since her younger siblings are still with us and they'll all be having visits with their mom together, I should be able to hear some news of how she's doing from the visit supervisor. And for that I'm really grateful. The hardest part of saying goodbye to a foster child is not knowing how they're doing and what's happened to them.

The day that Sunshine left, Taz (who had stayed with us for 2 weeks and then another weekend previously) came back to our home. Our agency called and asked if she could stay with us for another weekend, and we agreed since we've had her before and enjoy having her here. Earlier this week they asked us if we would consider keeping her here as an actual long-term placement. We said yes without hesitation (in fact, Matt had a feeling awhile ago that this might happen). And today everything was approved. I'll be taking her to be registered at our local school tomorrow. There will be some adjusting to do as we figure out life with a grader-schooler (chores, allowance, homework, Activity Days...advice is welcome). But we're excited to embark on this new adventure.

New Current Kiddos: Taz (9), Ethan (3.5), Sissy (1), Pumpkin (1 month)

Life Changes Without Notice

Less than a week since Tiny came, we got a call from our agency letting us know that Sunshine and Sissy's mom was in labor and that he be removed. And their question was, can you take him? If we said yes, we would have 5 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months, and a newborn). But that's just too insane, even for us. So we told them that in order for us to take the newborn (Pumpkin), they would have to find a new home for Tiny.

It took them a day to find Tiny a new home (which was also able to take in his sister that was in a separate foster home) and another day to decide to move him there. But once the decision was made, everything happened real quickly. I had about 2 hours notice before they picked Tiny up (I was able to get all his stuff packed up) and 4 hours notice before I had to pick up Pumpkin from the hospital.

This is our first experience of having a newborn foster child, and it's very different from when we had Ethan. While Pumpkin does wake up at night to eat, it's not as often since he is bottle-fed. And I sleep great as soon as he settles down since I'm not postpartum or nursing. I don't think I'll ever be as tired as I was during the first year of Ethan's life.

So far everyone is adjusting well to having a newborn in the house and one less toddler (which has meant less sleep and less fighting). We have no idea how long our current set of kids will be here, but such is the life of foster-parenthood. All we can do is love and care for them while they are here and hope for the best when they move on.

Life with 4 Under 4

It's been almost 1 week since we accepted our 3rd (official) placement as foster parents, and the first time we've had 2 long-term placements at once. Taking in Tiny (2.5) put us at 4 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months).

It hasn't been as hard as I imagined. After saying yes, both Matt and I had moments of doubt; we wondered if we were biting off more than we could chew. While there has been moments of craziness and frustration (but, then again, we had those times when we "just" had 3 under 4), it has been manageable. It really helps, of course, that Sunshine and Sissy has over 20 hours of visitation a week and that they all sleep through the night. Plus, what's one more toddler when you already have 2?  

Tiny is a sweet boy and we've enjoyed watching the progress he's already made in our home. He is non-verbal (only understandable spoken words are bye, hi, and ball) but uses 5-10 signs (more, all-done, please, help, water, thank-you...). I don't know if he learned those signs from me or if he already knew them, but it is great to see him use them more consistently and without prompting. He does hit (others and himself) when upset at times, but has been responding well to warnings and timeouts. 

Because of Tiny's background and behavior, I've tried super hard since he's been here to watch my reaction to his and the other children's behavior. Using an overly harsh tone/yelling really upsets him and he will start hitting himself. So when correcting him and the other kids I've tried to use light tones (almost overly happy/cheerful) and treat situations in a matter-of-fact way ("we don't hit, we use soft hands; sit on the stairs until you're ready to be nice"). I've been trying to be better about doing this for awhile with Ethan and Sunshine, but having Tiny here has really been helpful to me in achieving this goal. That's slightly surprising to me, since I have been more busy and stressed since
Tiny arrived. 

But in some ways it's not that surprising. Because I've had more on my plate this last week, my priorities and expectations have changed. I don't expect as much from the kids (accidents happen, and that's okay) or myself (Dinner not cooked by the time Matt gets home? Oh well; everyone's alive and sane.). During the day, I've been spending a lot more time playing with the kids and less time facebooking, web browsing, watching Netflix, reading books, or talking on the phone. Basically, I was focused on them as much as I could be and still use the bathroom and do some chores around the house (I pretty much had to at least have them in sight when I had all 3 toddlers at once to ensure that they all survived playtime). While having another kids means less individual time with each of them, the quality of my time with them has increased. I feel like I've been able to be a happier mom and that my children are happier, too. Hopefully I can keep this up if/when my load lightens. 

A Redeeming Emergency Placement

Just over 2 weeks ago, we accepted an emergency placement; the first one we've done in 2 months. We had settled into life with 3, and after the difficulty of the last temporary placement, we weren't too keen on doing it again (it helped that we haven't been asked to do so too many times, so we've only had to say no a couple of times). But when we got the call to take in a 9 year old girl (Taz) for a few days, we just couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Saying yes felt right.

We were a little nervous about it still, due to her age. But it turned out to be a really fun placement. She was really easy to get along with and helped me out around the house and with the younger kids (without me asking her). Taz could have real conversations with me and play games too! It was a nice change from babies and toddlers. It also helped that she was gone at school all day during the week and was a great sleeper.

As happens often with short-term placements, she stayed longer than originally planned. Taz ended up being here for 2 weeks (the limit of being a short-term placement). While life was certainly busier with 4 kids, it was a great 2 weeks. We went swimming, had a game night with friends, went to General Conference and church, played at parks and went for walks, and hung out at home.

This placement really helped us to feel like we could do respite/emergency placements again with older kids, that not all older children would be difficult. I really enjoyed teaching her the gospel and it was amazing how receptive she was to it as we prayed, had Family Home Evening, scripture study, church, and General Conference. I hope that her short time in our home gave her a glimpse of the future she can still have, despite her family situation right now. Hopefully it will give her the strength to face whatever is ahead of her.

There are Limits

Last weekend we took in two brothers, ages 5 (C) and 7 (M). They got here at bedtime and it took awhile to get them to settle down and fall asleep (totally understandable as they are in a stranger's home). They were up real early though, resulting in them only getting 8 hours of sleep. M got mad about something pretty early on and kept saying he didn't like it here and that he wanted to go home to his mom. We explained to him that they'll be here for the weekend and then we'll see what the social worker says when they come in a few days. He tried to open the front door a few times, but with the doornob cover we have on it (even though he can rip it off) and the two locks, I was able to stop him before he got the door open. I explained that in our house we have two big rules for safety: don't leave the house without permission and don't hit/kick/push others. I told him that if he behaved and listened well the rest of the morning, he could play minecraft after lunch while the little ones napped. That seemed to smooth things over and we all had a great rest of the morning. We even went to the park and we didn't have any more incidents...

Until after we let him play minecraft for a bit after lunch. The little kids were still sleeping when his time was up on the computer. I gave him a few options for quiet activities to do until they woke up, and he wasn't happy with any of them. He started calling me names, and when I tried to do put him in time out, everything blew up. He tried repeatedly to escape our house and it was all Matt and I could do to block the door. He continued calling us names and started throwing toys at us and that he wants to go home to his mom. Eventually the situation escalated to the point that we decided that we had to call our caseworker. I made the call while Matt delt with M; after hearing about what was going on, our caseworker made the 1 hour trip to our house. By the time I got off the phone, Matt had calmed M down, but only after M tried to get out the second story window. That's when we knew that the situation with M is beyond our ability to handle.

After our caseworker got here and talked to M, she too determined that it would be best for him to be moved. We felt really bad about doing that (it's our first placement disruption) but we just didn't feel like it was safe for him to be at our house anymore. This placement was only supposed to be for the weekend, and we couldn't even last 1 day with him. But there are limits to what we can and cannot handle. We also felt bad for our caseworker...we pretty much ruined her Saturday. She couldn't leave our house until everything was figured out, and it was 4 hours before they were able to find a new home for M to go to.

When it was finally time for M to leave, it was already bedtime and C was exhausted and ready to sleep. Saying goodbye to his brother was really tough for him, making us feel even worse about the whole thing (there was only room for 1 where M was going, so we agreed to keep C for the rest of the weekend). After M left C pushed me and said he hated me, but I was able to calm him down pretty quickly. We had a good talk about feelings and I told him it was okay to cry and be sad, but that it's not okay to hit and say mean things.

C was with us for 3 more days, and it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Some pushing/hitting and namecalling, but nothing that we couldn't handle. He was a sweet kid and his behavior improved over time as he got used the the rules and structure of our home. Telling him that it was time for him to leave and go to a new home was difficult; he was just starting to get used to things here. I had no real answers for him; I didn't know where he was going or how long he'd be there. But there was no way we could keep him long term due to carspace.

This placement was the hardest one by far that we've had out of the 14 foster kids that have come through our home so far. It was emotionally draining to deal with a child who didn't want to be here and was hateful and becoming violent in his anger and trying to run away. It was emotionally draining to have to make the decision to move a child that have already been moved twice that week and deal with the guilt of doing so. But this placement has also shown us our limits as to what we can and cannot handle. And looking back, I know that we made the best decision for everyone involved. We were able to keep everyone safe, and that's what's most important.

Doing Hard Things

"For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37) It's amazing what we can do through God's help that we couldn't do alone.

A couple of weeks ago, we took in a 2 year old little boy (H) for respite for a weekend; he was so good and we had a great time. Then just hours after H left, we got a call asking us to take him and his 9 month old sister (D) in for a few days while they found them a new foster home. Without too much thought, I said yes. After I hung up the phone, it hit me that by taking them, I'll now have 5 kids under 4 (3, 2, 2, 9 months, 7 months). I started panicking a little and praying that D was as good of a sleeper as H.

That first night, after the usual bedtime routine and all the kids were in bed, 4 out of 5 were crying and none were asleep. Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "what did we get ourselves into!?" I had half a mind to call their DCS worker up the next morning and tell them that we just can't do this, not even for 4 more days. But within half an hour, all the kids calmed down, and soon all were asleep. And everyone slept through the night!

So we did do it; we lasted 5 days having 5 kids under 4. And the crazy thing was, by the last night, after all the kids were asleep, Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "we could keep doing this longer." If it wasn't for the fact that we didn't have a van to transport all the kids, we really might have considered keeping H and D as a regular foster placement. Something that seemed crazy and impossible at first all of a sudden had become doable.

This whole experience reminded me of a story in the Book of Mormon where Alma and his people were in bondage to the Lamanites. They had great burdens placed on them and life was very difficult. They turned to the Lord in prayer and the Lord eased their burdens; "the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease" (Moisah 24:15). The nature of their burdens didn't change, but they became stronger with God's help. I feel like that's what God did for us in those 5 days; the kids didn't become better behaved or perfect sleepers (actually, in some ways, they got worse). But we were able to handle it, to be patient and organized enough to stay sane. My testimony was strengthened by this and I know that God will always help me through any difficulty I will face in the future. I am also more confident as a mother; I'm not perfect and I don't always respond in the the best way to my kiddos, but I am trying and improving and doing a good job.

God knows me and He knows my potential. While my life isn't what I imagined it would be like or planned it to be, I trust in His plan and know that all will be well. With His help, I can handle anything.

Emergency "Short" Term Placement

Just 1.5 days after our respite boys (R and P) left, we got a call in the middle of the night for an emergency placement. They just needed a place for a 4 year old girl (M) and 9 year old boy (T) to stay for 2 days while they figured out a relative placement for them. While having 5 kids again would be hard (especially when we were looking forward to relaxing after R and P left), we said yes. It was midnight; what if they couldn't find anyone else? I didn't want to say no when we had empty beds available.

They were coming from over an hour away, so I took that time to shower and get their beds ready for their arrival. When they got here, the first thing M said was "Where's the dog?" (don't know where she got that from; we don't have any pets). T was completely silent and wouldn't answer any questions. It wasn't until the social worker left that the tears started. They didn't want to sleep in separate rooms (it's a rule that boys and girls need to be in separate bedrooms, even siblings). Here they were at a strangers home in the middle of the night, and they couldn't even have each other for comfort. It took me awhile to convince them to go upstairs to see the rooms, and even longer for M to agree to sleep in the girls' room with Sunshine and Sissy. I had to plug in 1 nightlight per room plus 1 in the hallway. I also gave T a star projector nightlight to use as well, since he had to sleep alone (Ethan could have stayed in there with him, but we didn't have another bed, so he slept in our bed instead). I also made sure they knew where my room and the bathroom was, and kept their doors open. It was 2:30am before I got to bed; I got about 4-5 hours of sleep that night.

T didn't go to school the next day, and having 5 kids at home all day was a challenge, but doable. The next day was easier with T off at school all day (7:30-5) and Sunshine and Sissy gone for a visit in the morning. The next afternoon however, they asked if we could keep them until Monday (which I found out later they really meant Tuesday, as Monday was Memorial Day; they didn't actually leave until Wednesday). While the thought of having them stay for the weekend was a little overwhelming, we said yes. We didn't want them to have to go to another stranger's home for a few days and then have to be moved again when the relative placement was ready.

We survived the weekend and managed to have a lot of fun. Matt and I took turns taking a few of the kids out to do things, as our car does not have enough seats for everyone. We went to a baptism at my church, the zoo, a birthday party, and over to a friend's house so T could have kids his age to play with. We went one lots of walks, to the park, and played outside in the sandbox. We watched TV shows and let T play minecraft.

Having M and T here was a fun, challenging learning experience. They were great kids. M loved to help with diaper changes and cooking. T loved holding and feeding Sissy, and also helped mow the lawn. But, as all kids do, they also fought, hit, and threw fits. One night after a visit they cried, occasionally screaming and kicking, on the couch for almost half an hour. When they finally calmed down enough, we went for a walk which really helped. Their last night here was the worst. T didn't want to go to bed because he has a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. And he got M all upset too and then she wouldn't leave his side and they both wanted to sleep in the same room again. I tried all sorts of things to get them to calm down, but what finally worked was me offering to sleep in the hallway that night. That satisfied them and they went to bed in their separate rooms willingly.

They left the next morning and it was mostly a relief. I really liked them and came to love them and care about them a lot, but handling 5 kids (with 4 of them being foster kids) for 8 days really stretched us. Being back to have only 3 kids in the house the past few days has been amazing. I feel a lot more in control and not overwhelmed. The first things I did after they left was shower (without having Matt home), clean, spend one-on-one time with Ethan, and go grocery shopping. Those were the things that was hard to do when M and T were here. Someday I hope to have the ability to handle more children at one time long term (it would certainly help once we have a van), but for now, 3 is plenty!

From 1 to 3 to 5 Kids

This weekend we took a respite placement: a 4 year old boy (R) and a 5 year old boy (P). We watched them for 2 nights to give their regular foster parents a break.

Having 5 kids 5 and under was kind of crazy at times, but manageable. Actually, for the first day, it was really 4 kids, since Matt and Ethan went to the Father-Son camp out with our church. Though of course, that meant that I was on my own. But seeing that I had a couple of days notice that they would be coming, I was prepared. I went to bed early the night before they came to make sure that I would be well rested. I had Matt pick up Pizza for the first night and utilized a freezer meal for the second. And I pretty much didn't expect to get any housework done all weekend. So basically, I was just focusing on the kids most of the time. Handling this many kids is a lot easier when you don't multitask.

R and P are really pretty good kids. Had a lot of energy, but they were sweet and so helpful with cleaning up and even the dishes. And they can pretty much take care of themselves (washing hands, going to the bathroom, changing clothes...so nice after dealing with 2 toddlers who need help with all of those things). So this weekend, our house was a lot louder but a lot more tidy (getting toddlers to clean up all their toys takes so long, we don't usually do it every night).

Going to church today required some creativity. Since we just have 1 sedan, we didn't have enough room in the car for everyone. Luckily, we live really close to the church and it wasn't raining. So Matt was able to bike to church, pulling Ethan and Sunshine in the bike trailer. And while having 5 kids at church and trying to keep them reverent took some work, it really wasn't that much more work than 3 kids.

This was only our second time doing respite (and first time doing respite while having a regular placement), but so far at least, I can say that I really enjoy doing respite. I'm happy to help out other foster parents, and it's fun to have new kids around the house, enjoy them, and then return them. Sometimes I think it's easier to be patient with kids when you know they'll be leaving soon. I guess doing respite is kind of like being a grandparent: love them, spoil them, return them.

And I think this experience has taught me to be more patient with my own kiddos, the ones I have to deal with day in and day out. It's reminded me that toddlers will grow up, that they can learn. And it reinforced in my mind yet again, that God can and does strengthen me to meet the challenges and tasks that are before me, especially when I pray for that help.

The Need for Foster Homes and Respite

Last night, we attended a foster parent support group with our agency. It was great to talk to other foster families in the area. While many are supportive of our fostering journey, it was great to talk to others who understand the craziness of it all first hand and hear about their experiences.

One of the things that was said that really hit home with me was when we were all talking about the horrible things that many foster parents have to put up with and how frustrating it is to try to be good foster parents in a broken system. One of the foster parents, who have been at this for more than 10 years, said that as time goes on, you get stronger and are able to withstand the difficulties of dealing with bio families and a system that's far from perfect. That eventually, you learn to take the bad with the good. That the one good experience of helping a rehabilitated family become reunited or adopting a child in need of a good home keeps you coming back for the 10 times of bad experiences that might come. That even if you are only able to save 1 child out of 10, or even 1 child out of 1000, you still have saved a precious child of God. The difficulties of being a foster parent is worth that 1 child.

The discussion later turned to the need for more foster homes. In recent years, the number of children removed from biological homes have increased while the number of available foster homes have decreased. Obviously, that creates a big problem. Where are these kids to go? And then there's the problem of the lack of respite available for foster parents. Sometimes, we just need a break. Everyone needs a break from kids eventually. Every couple needs to go on dates sometimes. But if there are no approved babysitters or respite homes available to take your foster kids for you for a few hours or a weekend, what can you do?

In our own situation, we only have 2 approved babysitters. Pretty limited, but we're doing fine so far and getting the breaks and dates we need. However, when we went on vacation for 2 weeks, it was so difficult to find a respite home. In fact, there were no 1 home that could take our kids for the whole 2 weeks that we were gone. They had to be in 3 different homes while we were gone. So in the 6 weeks that our first placement were in foster care, they were in 4 different homes. I felt so bad about it, but what could we have done? Not gone our vacation that we've been planning for months and already paid for? Of course not. And we couldn't take them with us because we were going out of state and the kids would have missed too many visits with their parents. If only there were more respite homes...

The need for foster homes are great. But it is tough work that is not for everyone. It takes a lot of commitment. But did you know that you could be a respite only home? You have to go through the training, get background checked, get certified for first aid, CPR, and universal precautions, and probably some other stuff that I'm forgetting. But the point is, you can be a licensed foster home but choose to only do respite for other foster parents. You wouldn't have to take in kids full time fresh from their biological family. You can just take kids who have already been in foster care for a few weeks or months (or years, unfortunately) and give their regular foster parents a break. Just for 1 night, or a weekend, or a week, or 2 weeks. And you can be as selective as you want on the age range, gender, medical condition, and behavior difficulty of the children as you want. Since these kids have already been in foster care for awhile, you'll get a better idea of what you're getting yourself into than those of us who take in kids fresh from their biological parents (when information is often limited). If even being a respite home is beyond what you can do, you can still help! Simply become an approved babysitter. All you need to do is get background checked. This will allow you to watch foster kids during the day, allowing foster parents to go to doctor appointments or go on a date.

I'm so grateful that God has lead us to do foster care. It has been difficult and frustrating, but it has also been a great blessing. I look forward to all the experiences that we will continue to have and all that we'll be able to learn.

Our Second Placement

Exactly 1 week after our first placement left, we got our 2nd placement. The wait this time was much shorter and we very much enjoyed that break to recoup.

This placement has been a lot crazier than our first, not because these kids have any behavioral problems, but because of their young age. Sunshine is 2 and 3 months old, and Sissy is 5.5 months old. We have 3 kids 3 and under now! And they don't sleep quite as well as our last placement (first night we had them, Sissy woke up every 2-3 hours; thankfully she now only wakes up once a night). Things are more hectic around and we are more tired, but we are still enjoying having these girls in our home.

Sunshine is always smiling and happy (except when she's fighting with Ethan over something). It's hard to understand what's she saying a lot of the time, but she communicates her needs pretty well. And she's almost completely potty trained (yay!). She doesn't seem to like naps, which makes for a very long day as Ethan has also stopped napping. But we (attempt to) do quiet time at least.

Sissy is sleeping better and eating more now that we switched to a different bottle (even though the bottle we were using was what she came with). She is pretty happy and content most of the time. It's cute to watch Ethan pet her head gently and hold her hand and talk to her when we're in the car. He seems to have really taken to her immediately (which is a change from how he was with baby girl; maybe because Sissy is immobile and can't destroy his stuff like baby girl could).

We have no clue how long they'll be with us. There is a possible relative placement in the works, so it could be pretty short. But yet again, for however long they're with us, we'll love them and enjoy teaching them and caring for them the best that we can.

Hello and Goodbye

Ethan and I got back from a 3 week long vacation earlier this week (which was so fun, btw). Matt had returned the week before and got a taste of single parenthood for a week. He had to juggle work, getting big brother to and from school, and getting baby girl to and from daycare. Oh, and of course there was dinner to make and dishes to clean, and putting the kiddos to bed. All by himself. He told me he never wanted to do this single parent thing again, and I told him it'll help him appreciate me that much more.

Two days after Ethan and I returned home, big brother and baby girl returned to their home. It was all very sudden. A long court hearing that ended with the social worker asking me if she could come pick them (and all their stuff) up in 2 hours. It was a bit crazy, but as she was an hour late, I was able to get everything in order.

Even though big brother and baby girl were only in our home for a month, we loved them and cared for them. While it was a bit hard to say goodbye, we're happy for them. This is what big brother has been praying for ever since we taught him how to pray. It also helps that we agreed with the courts decision and feel like it is safe for them to go home. A little bit more time to prepare would have been nice though. But maybe the suddenness of it helped make the goodbye easier. I didn't really have too much time to think about it; I was just trying to get all their clothes and toys packed up. And Matt didn't really get to say goodbye at all, since he was at work.

This placement has taught us a lot. We have been stretched, but learned that we are flexible. We have been tired, but learned that there are helping hands. We have been amazed at the instant love that we have felt for these kids, and even more so at the instant letting go when the time came to say goodbye.

So here we are again, waiting. Waiting for another call (we actually got a call just 2 hours after the kids left, and though we said yes, we didn't get the placement due to distance). I imagine this wait will be easier, though, since we've done it before. Plus, it might be nice to have a little break and regroup.

From a family of 5 to a family of 3 again. For now...

Sibling love and rivalry

Ethan and big brother fight a lot sometimes. Like over everything. Who gets to open/close the garage door. Who gets to play with what toy. Who gets to have their book read first at bedtime. Sometimes one of them will knock over the block tower or creation of the other, just to make the other person mad. The constant arguing can get really annoying and frustrating; it is hard to be patient sometimes. This is our first experience with siblings, and we're still learning how to handle all this.

It's been almost three weeks since they got here, and we have already seen a lot of improvement. The boys are learning to get along and love each other. They still fight, of course; all kids do. But they are figuring out how to settle their differences and disputes on their own. I don't have to step in and play referee all the time anymore. Ethan is even learning how to share his Thomas train and orange hammer. A big step for him.

Ethan is also getting used to having baby girl here and doesn't seem as jealous anymore. He still likes to be carried and held, but is able to wait for me to take care of her needs and put her down first without throwing a fit while I do it. He will bring toys to her and tells me to "go check on her" when she sounds like she might be waking up.

I'm so glad they're all getting along pretty well. This was one of our biggest concerns when we were deciding to get into foster care: how would having these children here affect Ethan? So far, at least, having them here has only done good things for Ethan and our family. This placement was definitely worth the wait. These kids really were meant to be in our home.

Big Questions

When can I go home? Why did they take me here anyways? These are some of the questions that big brother has started asking us this past week. I think that the excitement of new toys and new people are wearing off and he's starting to get a little homesick.

This is a shift from the first week or so. He used to say things like, "I want to stay here forever!" Or "If I do [blank], then you have to promise that I can stay here forever." And "I'm so glad I don't have to go back to my bad parents." But with regular biweekly visits starting and having been away from his parents for 2 weeks, he's starting to miss them a lot.

Luckily, this shift in attitude hasn't resulted in any behavioral problems, just questions of when and why. Questions that we really can't answer, because we don't know ourselves. But as we've already taught him about prayer, we pray together every night before bed that he'll be able to go home when things are ready for him and baby girl, and that the Holy Ghost will comfort him and help him adjust and be happy here.

He is still calling us mommy and daddy, and he still refers to Ethan as his little brother. So for as long as he is here, he is a part of our family, along with baby girl. We try to show him as much love as we can and teach him good values. We don't have any say in how long they will be here, but I hope that they'll be here as long as is necessary and that when he goes home, he'll remember his time here with fondness.

Random skills gained

Some random skills I've gained since becoming a foster mom:

1. How to parallel park (the last time I've parallel parked was when I failed it during the driving test); this is a required skill since the DCS office is downtown.

2. How to talk on the phone without being nervous or scared, even to strangers (a big one for me; I used to have to give myself a pep talk before making calls).

3. How to be flexible ("Can you bring them in for a visit this afternoon?" Sure. "They need a physical done, and it has to be tomorrow or the day after." Okay, I can do that. "Can you come in for a meeting tomorrow morning and meet their mom?" No problem.).

Learning so many new things, and this is only our first placement!

Adjusting to life with 3 kids

It's been a crazy and amazing week since we got our first foster care placement. Overnight we added 2 kids to our family. Ethan went from being the only child to being the middle child. We went from having a preschooler to having a kindergartener, preschooler, and baby.

I was expecting to be dealing with scared, angry, and confused kids, but surprisingly, they have both adjusted well. Big brother started calling us "mommy" and "daddy" by the end of day one. Baby girl doesn't seem to have any separation anxiety. They both seem to like it here. But maybe it's still the honeymoon period and the tough behaviors are yet to come. Maybe their current grief cycle is shock or denial. Time will tell, and I guess we'll just enjoy this while we can.

It's amazing how easily they've fit into our family. It's almost like they have always been here. There's been changes to our daily routine, of course, and bedtime is a bit harder and takes longer, and I no longer have enough time to feel like I'm wasting it on facebook and netflix (when I do have time for those things, I now feel highly justified).

Of all the kids, Ethan was the one having the hardest time adjusting. But he's improving, and learning to play with big brother without constant fighting. He is a little copycat and mirrors a lot of what big brother does. Thankfully there hasn't really been anything bad for him to copy (the worst thing he's learned is how to make fart noises). Having baby girl here has lead to some jealousy from Ethan. He will sometimes say things like "You don't want to hold the baby" or "You don't like to hold the baby." Aside from me holding her, his biggest issue is when she touches his toy masterpieces or gets in his way. But having him help out with taking care of the baby and making sure I still hold him as much as possible is helping.

Our First Placement

We got our first placement last week! The call came in the middle of the night, so needless to say, I got very little sleep that night. The two kids went right to sleep after the social worker left, but I barely slept. There was just too much on my mind. But of course, Matt and Ethan slept through the whole thing.

Matt took a half day to help me out in the morning. I'm so glad he did, because there would have been no way for me to get big brother off to school by myself. Getting all the carseats installed to fit in the backseat together was a pain.

From call to placement was only about an hour. It's crazy how quickly our lives changed. Literally overnight. But since we've been waiting for a placement since the beginning of January, everything was ready to go. All I had to do that night was set up the pack and play and pull out the blankets.

While the wait was long and hard at times, we really do feel like this is the right placement for our family. God's timing really is best.

Respite Care

So last week, after nearly 2 months of waiting, we finally got to DO something. First, we got to watch a couple of young boys for their foster parents for a few hours. Ethan enjoyed having playmates over, as always. Then over the weekend, we watched two older boys for their foster parents. At first I was worried about them being bored, since all of our toys are more for kids 6 and younger, but a few things saved us: minecraft, paintball, sledding, and letting them play ball indoors.

It was a good first experience with foster kids. They were great kids. Ethan really enjoyed playing with them. We even got to take them to church; it was interesting to see the gospel truths through their eyes. I think that sometimes we take these truths for granted and don't think too much about them, or forget how miraculous it all is. But for someone who's hearing it for the first time, it is completely new and amazing.

This was also a good learning experience for us,a glimpse into life with multiple kids. But since it was such a short stay, we felt like we had more of a aunt/uncle role than a parental one. Probably wouldn't have let them play ball indoors or play so much minecraft if they were going to be here longer.

I hope that the short stay in our home will help these boys. That when they are older, they can look back on it and remember what a family looks like. That they can remember how they felt here and at church. That it will be something they will want for themselves in the future.

The Wait

Lately, I've been feeling like all we ever do is wait. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for a placement. I had thought that once we were licensed, we would get a placement within a week or two. But while we've had seven calls (5 that we were willing to accept, 1 that we declined due to severe medical needs, and 1 that we couldn't accept because it was for 3 kids and we can only take up to 2), none of them were placed with us.

At first it was really frustrating. I thought that I would be done waiting! This foster care thing was supposed to help me with the trial of not getting pregnant, right? So why am I STILL waiting? Well, after many prayers and pondering, I realized that this isn't all about me. We didn't sign up for this roller coaster for us. Yes, we do want to have more kids in our home, and yes, we might adopt at some point. But really, it all comes down to helping the kids, to providing a safe and loving home for them.

So we will be patient. And while we feel a small loss every time a potential placement falls through (because as soon as a we say yes, we can already imagine them in our lives and as a part of our family), that's nothing compared to the loss both parent(s) and child(ren) must be feeling. From time to time, I still think about these kids that might have come into our homes. These kids that I know very little about: just their ages, gender, why they were being removed, maybe a name. I wonder how they are adjusting and pray that all is well with them.

And for now we just enjoy our time together as a family of three.

Back to the Beginning

So...foster care. Why are we doing this and what's it like? Well, I've finally decided to start a blog to share our experience.

First off, this is something we've talked about doing ever since we were married. We feel that every kid deserves a safe and loving home, and we felt that we could provide that...someday. Well, that "someday" came a lot sooner than we had ever imagined.

We had always assumed that we would do foster care, and eventually adopt from the foster care system, after we were done having kids. So like 10-15 years from now. But after trying for a year to conceive a second child without success, we felt inspired to begin the process of becoming licensed foster parents.

We had to wait a couple months for the next training classes, then it took a couple more months to finish the licensing process. We have been "on call" for a placement since the beginning of January. And it's already been a roller coaster of an adventure...