Another Goodbye

A couple of days ago, Tigger left our home to live with a relative. It wasn't unexpected since they've been discussing this move for 2 months. However, the move happened quite suddenly. I knew they had court that day for her case, and knew that the judge would probably order this move, but I thought that they would've had a transition for her into the relative's home (increased visits, overnight visits...). She's only seen this relative twice before.

When I got the call after court, it was a scramble to get as much of her things packed as possible. I had less than half an hour. I'm sure it was confusing for Tigger to see me toss all her clothes into a laundry basket, along with her toys and shoes: "What are you doing mommy?" she asked. I had to quickly explain that she was going to live with her relative: "And then I come back here mommy?" she asked. "No, you're not going to live here anymore. The judge wants you to live with your relative. You'll be safe there. She'll take care of you." I explained.

The hardest part about saying goodbye this time around was having to wonder how she'll adjust. Will she regress developmentally (I toilet trained her, but when she was in respite while we were out of town for spring break, she had daily, multiple accidents in that home.) or behaviorally (Before she came to live with us she had anger issues and trouble listening, severe enough to need therapy; she never had those problems in our home and therapy was discontinued.)? I also had to worry about how the others in my family would adjust, especially Taz, who was at school when Tigger left. Thankfully she took it real well when she found out after school. I think it helped that we all knew this day would be coming, sooner or later.

The day after she left I did what I always do when a foster child leaves: clean and pack. I clean to decompress and to prepare for a future placement. And I pack away all the things we no longer need because the child has left our home.

The 2.5 months that Tigger was here was busy and fun. She learned so much here, and taught us so much too. She and Ethan fought and played like true siblings would. And she had Matt wrapped around her little finger in a way only daughters can do. She annoyed Taz and got her to indulge her like the little sister she was. Tigger and I butted heads and made up just like mothers and daughters would do. As short of a time as she was here, she was a part of our family. And in many ways she is still a part of our family, and always will be.

We didn't ask for a break this time, but we didn't tell them we were ready for a new placement either. So we'll just wait and see and be surprised as to when our time as a 4-person family will end.

Current Kiddos: Taz (9) and Ethan (4)

1 Year of Fostering

About 1 year ago, we received our first foster placement. It seems like ages ago. Reflecting on this past year, I can truly say that we have been blessed. It was a privilege to have had each of those 20 kids in our home. Not all of them were a good fit in our family, but we learned so much from caring and loving each and every one of them. Of the 18 that have left, we were relieved to see some them go, we were heartbroken over some of them, and many were somewhere in between. But we think about all of them often, wondering if they are safe, happy, and well taken care of.

Some of the hardest things we've gone through this first year of fostering are:

• saying goodbye
• recognizing and learning to deal with our many shortcomings as parents
• living with the constant uncertainty 
• dealing with the bio family and their complaints

But all of that pales in comparison with what we've gained, which includes:

• hearing our kiddos say "I Love You"
• having the kids ask for more hugs, to be held, to sit on our laps
• being called mommy and daddy
• having the kids say that they love it here, that they don't want to leave
• being able to provide the kids with a stable, loving home
• teaching them the gospel
• seeing them grow, develop, and thrive in our home
• enjoying fun activities together

Fostering isn't easy, and there have been times when we've felt like giving up, but sticking it out has been worth it. When fostering is at its hardest, I remind myself that as hard as it is for us, it's a million times harder for the kids. As foster parents, we have many choices, but as foster kids, they have almost none. They certainly didn't choose to be in foster care. While we have the choice to throw in the towel at any time, these kids have no choice. Their fate is in the hands of their parents, DCS, and the judge. The least we can do is make their lives as stable and happy as possible while they wait in the limbo of foster care. 

Looking forward to another year of fostering, I wonder what it'll bring...

Saying Goodbye, Moving On

This past weekend, our babies left to live with their dad. Sissy was in our home for 9.5 months, the longest we've had a foster child. Pumpkin was in our home for 3.5 months, his entire life. It's so strange how much a part of our life they have been, but then one phone call later, we're packing their things and they left the next day. Just like that. Thankfully, though, this move didn't catch us by surprise. We've known for over a month that it was coming, and they've had some overnight weekend visits.

In the days after they left, we kept ourselves busy with cleaning up the house and doing those chores that have been put on the back burner for the last few months. But even then, we started to feel pretty empty after a few days. Going from 4 kids to 2 is a big jump. Going from 2 babies to none is a big change.

When it became apparent that the babies would be leaving soon, Matt and I discussed what we wanted to do after they left. And we decided that we would take a little break, maybe about 2-4 weeks. We'll play it by ear, we thought. We also decided that when we were ready to take another placement, that we would just take 1, instead of 2 kids. And we told this to our social worker, knowing that it would be hard for us to say no to a placement if we got a call for one.

Well, tonight's on-call worker forgot that little info, and gave us a call. At first it was for two kiddos, 9 months and almost 2. But while we were considering, they got another referral: a 3 year old girl (Tigger). It didn't take us long to realize that we are okay with our break being cut short (4 days instead of 4 weeks) and accept the placement of the 3 year old little girl.

This will be an adjustment for everyone in our home, having 2 toddlers again. But hopefully Ethan, especially, will get used to having Tigger around and there won't be too much pushing and hitting. And hopefully Taz won't be too annoyed at having 2 little kids following her around.

3 kids, 2 adults...here we go!

Current Run-Down: Taz (9), Ethan (3-almost 4!), Tigger (3)

New Faces

Over the last few months, we have settled into life with 4 kids. Our newborn isn't so new anymore and we're getting the hang of having a kid in school. A couple weekends ago though, we changed things up a bit. We agreed to do respite for another foster family (the couple wanted to go out of town for their anniversary; how could we say no?). When we agreed to this, we thought we'd have 6 kids for 1 of the two nights, but happily it turned out that Pumpkin and Sissy's overnight visit was for 2 nights instead of 1. So there was only a 1/2 hour overlap when we had all 6 kids.

The respite kiddos we had for the weekend were Ay (6) and Al (5 months). Ethan really enjoyed having another boy to play with, and Taz enjoyed having a kid closer to her age to play with, so it was a win-win for both of them. It was nice for us to, because somehow by adding a third kid to the mix, the kids played really well on their own. I guess it's nice to have a new playmate every once in awhile.

Al was a pretty chill baby. It's amazing how much more he could do than Pumpkin, being 2 months older. The one thing we did not enjoy at all was his sleep, or lack thereof. We were told by his regular foster mom that he only woke up once a night around 3am or 4am. Well, for us on the first night he slept until about 2am, then woke up about once every hour after that, though he didn't need to be fed until after 7am. Each time he woke up he fell back asleep on his own, before I could get to him. The next night was a bit worse in he needed to be fed once in the middle of the night and still woke up about once every hour after that. Each time he woke up he needed his pacifier put back in his mouth. Poor baby (and poor us!); having to adjust to a new place must be hard.

Other than the lack of sleep, we enjoyed having Ay and Al stay with us. Ay had a bit of a hard time when he had to leave. I think he really liked staying with us, probably because he doesn't have any playmates in his regular foster home. When they left, we thought we'd probably never see them again...

...but we were wrong. This last weekend we were asked to watch them again just for one night due to a medical emergency with his foster parent. As hard as it was to say yes knowing that we'd likely get very little sleep again (especially since we were so looking forward to a full night's sleep with Sissy and Pumpkin gone on their overnight weekend visit), we knew it'd be a lot easier for Ay and Al to stay with us and not have to adjust to a complete stranger's home for 1 night.

It was a short stay, but mostly enjoyable. Ay was so excited to be back and the kids had a blast playing together all morning on Saturday. Al, as expected, slept terribly. Even worse than before, actually. Once he woke up and was fed at 3am, it took him 2 hours to fall back asleep. But we took turns tending to him and survived.

It's been awhile since we've done respite (with 4 kids we haven't even be asked in months) and even though it was a bit of a sacrifice, I'm glad we were able to help out (both the kids and their foster parents). I'm glad we had the extra beds and time to take those kids in; Heavenly Father has blessed us so much and we're blessed to be able to share what we have with others.

A Revolving Door

Last week, we said goodbye to Sunshine, who had been in our home for 7 months. We have been expecting reunification to happen for awhile, especially after she started overnight weekend visits over a month ago. It was with mixed feelings as we packed her things and said goodbye (this time we had a day's notice): sadness at seeing her go, probably never to meet again and not knowing how things will turn out for her, and yet relief at being free from the difficulties of having her go back and forth. The last month of her stay was tough for all in the household, and not because we got her newborn brother. It was because she was gone SO much. Towards the end, she was only here for about 16 hours of awake time a week. That didn't leave us much time to play with her and feel connected. She would come back from visits being more difficult to handle, which was understandable as she has different rules (or a lack thereof) there. So while it was hard to see her go, it was time, and best for everyone. I guess this all means that the transition home was successful: we went from feeling like parents to her, to an Aunt/Uncle/Nanny role as visits increased, to finally just like a babysitter this last month. We hope the best for her, that she'll be safe and happy. Since her younger siblings are still with us and they'll all be having visits with their mom together, I should be able to hear some news of how she's doing from the visit supervisor. And for that I'm really grateful. The hardest part of saying goodbye to a foster child is not knowing how they're doing and what's happened to them.

The day that Sunshine left, Taz (who had stayed with us for 2 weeks and then another weekend previously) came back to our home. Our agency called and asked if she could stay with us for another weekend, and we agreed since we've had her before and enjoy having her here. Earlier this week they asked us if we would consider keeping her here as an actual long-term placement. We said yes without hesitation (in fact, Matt had a feeling awhile ago that this might happen). And today everything was approved. I'll be taking her to be registered at our local school tomorrow. There will be some adjusting to do as we figure out life with a grader-schooler (chores, allowance, homework, Activity Days...advice is welcome). But we're excited to embark on this new adventure.

New Current Kiddos: Taz (9), Ethan (3.5), Sissy (1), Pumpkin (1 month)

Life Changes Without Notice

Less than a week since Tiny came, we got a call from our agency letting us know that Sunshine and Sissy's mom was in labor and that he be removed. And their question was, can you take him? If we said yes, we would have 5 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months, and a newborn). But that's just too insane, even for us. So we told them that in order for us to take the newborn (Pumpkin), they would have to find a new home for Tiny.

It took them a day to find Tiny a new home (which was also able to take in his sister that was in a separate foster home) and another day to decide to move him there. But once the decision was made, everything happened real quickly. I had about 2 hours notice before they picked Tiny up (I was able to get all his stuff packed up) and 4 hours notice before I had to pick up Pumpkin from the hospital.

This is our first experience of having a newborn foster child, and it's very different from when we had Ethan. While Pumpkin does wake up at night to eat, it's not as often since he is bottle-fed. And I sleep great as soon as he settles down since I'm not postpartum or nursing. I don't think I'll ever be as tired as I was during the first year of Ethan's life.

So far everyone is adjusting well to having a newborn in the house and one less toddler (which has meant less sleep and less fighting). We have no idea how long our current set of kids will be here, but such is the life of foster-parenthood. All we can do is love and care for them while they are here and hope for the best when they move on.

Life with 4 Under 4

It's been almost 1 week since we accepted our 3rd (official) placement as foster parents, and the first time we've had 2 long-term placements at once. Taking in Tiny (2.5) put us at 4 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months).

It hasn't been as hard as I imagined. After saying yes, both Matt and I had moments of doubt; we wondered if we were biting off more than we could chew. While there has been moments of craziness and frustration (but, then again, we had those times when we "just" had 3 under 4), it has been manageable. It really helps, of course, that Sunshine and Sissy has over 20 hours of visitation a week and that they all sleep through the night. Plus, what's one more toddler when you already have 2?  

Tiny is a sweet boy and we've enjoyed watching the progress he's already made in our home. He is non-verbal (only understandable spoken words are bye, hi, and ball) but uses 5-10 signs (more, all-done, please, help, water, thank-you...). I don't know if he learned those signs from me or if he already knew them, but it is great to see him use them more consistently and without prompting. He does hit (others and himself) when upset at times, but has been responding well to warnings and timeouts. 

Because of Tiny's background and behavior, I've tried super hard since he's been here to watch my reaction to his and the other children's behavior. Using an overly harsh tone/yelling really upsets him and he will start hitting himself. So when correcting him and the other kids I've tried to use light tones (almost overly happy/cheerful) and treat situations in a matter-of-fact way ("we don't hit, we use soft hands; sit on the stairs until you're ready to be nice"). I've been trying to be better about doing this for awhile with Ethan and Sunshine, but having Tiny here has really been helpful to me in achieving this goal. That's slightly surprising to me, since I have been more busy and stressed since
Tiny arrived. 

But in some ways it's not that surprising. Because I've had more on my plate this last week, my priorities and expectations have changed. I don't expect as much from the kids (accidents happen, and that's okay) or myself (Dinner not cooked by the time Matt gets home? Oh well; everyone's alive and sane.). During the day, I've been spending a lot more time playing with the kids and less time facebooking, web browsing, watching Netflix, reading books, or talking on the phone. Basically, I was focused on them as much as I could be and still use the bathroom and do some chores around the house (I pretty much had to at least have them in sight when I had all 3 toddlers at once to ensure that they all survived playtime). While having another kids means less individual time with each of them, the quality of my time with them has increased. I feel like I've been able to be a happier mom and that my children are happier, too. Hopefully I can keep this up if/when my load lightens.