Saying Goodbye, Moving On

This past weekend, our babies left to live with their dad. Sissy was in our home for 9.5 months, the longest we've had a foster child. Pumpkin was in our home for 3.5 months, his entire life. It's so strange how much a part of our life they have been, but then one phone call later, we're packing their things and they left the next day. Just like that. Thankfully, though, this move didn't catch us by surprise. We've known for over a month that it was coming, and they've had some overnight weekend visits.

In the days after they left, we kept ourselves busy with cleaning up the house and doing those chores that have been put on the back burner for the last few months. But even then, we started to feel pretty empty after a few days. Going from 4 kids to 2 is a big jump. Going from 2 babies to none is a big change.

When it became apparent that the babies would be leaving soon, Matt and I discussed what we wanted to do after they left. And we decided that we would take a little break, maybe about 2-4 weeks. We'll play it by ear, we thought. We also decided that when we were ready to take another placement, that we would just take 1, instead of 2 kids. And we told this to our social worker, knowing that it would be hard for us to say no to a placement if we got a call for one.

Well, tonight's on-call worker forgot that little info, and gave us a call. At first it was for two kiddos, 9 months and almost 2. But while we were considering, they got another referral: a 3 year old girl (Tigger). It didn't take us long to realize that we are okay with our break being cut short (4 days instead of 4 weeks) and accept the placement of the 3 year old little girl.

This will be an adjustment for everyone in our home, having 2 toddlers again. But hopefully Ethan, especially, will get used to having Tigger around and there won't be too much pushing and hitting. And hopefully Taz won't be too annoyed at having 2 little kids following her around.

3 kids, 2 adults...here we go!

Current Run-Down: Taz (9), Ethan (3-almost 4!), Tigger (3)

New Faces

Over the last few months, we have settled into life with 4 kids. Our newborn isn't so new anymore and we're getting the hang of having a kid in school. A couple weekends ago though, we changed things up a bit. We agreed to do respite for another foster family (the couple wanted to go out of town for their anniversary; how could we say no?). When we agreed to this, we thought we'd have 6 kids for 1 of the two nights, but happily it turned out that Pumpkin and Sissy's overnight visit was for 2 nights instead of 1. So there was only a 1/2 hour overlap when we had all 6 kids.

The respite kiddos we had for the weekend were Ay (6) and Al (5 months). Ethan really enjoyed having another boy to play with, and Taz enjoyed having a kid closer to her age to play with, so it was a win-win for both of them. It was nice for us to, because somehow by adding a third kid to the mix, the kids played really well on their own. I guess it's nice to have a new playmate every once in awhile.

Al was a pretty chill baby. It's amazing how much more he could do than Pumpkin, being 2 months older. The one thing we did not enjoy at all was his sleep, or lack thereof. We were told by his regular foster mom that he only woke up once a night around 3am or 4am. Well, for us on the first night he slept until about 2am, then woke up about once every hour after that, though he didn't need to be fed until after 7am. Each time he woke up he fell back asleep on his own, before I could get to him. The next night was a bit worse in he needed to be fed once in the middle of the night and still woke up about once every hour after that. Each time he woke up he needed his pacifier put back in his mouth. Poor baby (and poor us!); having to adjust to a new place must be hard.

Other than the lack of sleep, we enjoyed having Ay and Al stay with us. Ay had a bit of a hard time when he had to leave. I think he really liked staying with us, probably because he doesn't have any playmates in his regular foster home. When they left, we thought we'd probably never see them again...

...but we were wrong. This last weekend we were asked to watch them again just for one night due to a medical emergency with his foster parent. As hard as it was to say yes knowing that we'd likely get very little sleep again (especially since we were so looking forward to a full night's sleep with Sissy and Pumpkin gone on their overnight weekend visit), we knew it'd be a lot easier for Ay and Al to stay with us and not have to adjust to a complete stranger's home for 1 night.

It was a short stay, but mostly enjoyable. Ay was so excited to be back and the kids had a blast playing together all morning on Saturday. Al, as expected, slept terribly. Even worse than before, actually. Once he woke up and was fed at 3am, it took him 2 hours to fall back asleep. But we took turns tending to him and survived.

It's been awhile since we've done respite (with 4 kids we haven't even be asked in months) and even though it was a bit of a sacrifice, I'm glad we were able to help out (both the kids and their foster parents). I'm glad we had the extra beds and time to take those kids in; Heavenly Father has blessed us so much and we're blessed to be able to share what we have with others.

A Revolving Door

Last week, we said goodbye to Sunshine, who had been in our home for 7 months. We have been expecting reunification to happen for awhile, especially after she started overnight weekend visits over a month ago. It was with mixed feelings as we packed her things and said goodbye (this time we had a day's notice): sadness at seeing her go, probably never to meet again and not knowing how things will turn out for her, and yet relief at being free from the difficulties of having her go back and forth. The last month of her stay was tough for all in the household, and not because we got her newborn brother. It was because she was gone SO much. Towards the end, she was only here for about 16 hours of awake time a week. That didn't leave us much time to play with her and feel connected. She would come back from visits being more difficult to handle, which was understandable as she has different rules (or a lack thereof) there. So while it was hard to see her go, it was time, and best for everyone. I guess this all means that the transition home was successful: we went from feeling like parents to her, to an Aunt/Uncle/Nanny role as visits increased, to finally just like a babysitter this last month. We hope the best for her, that she'll be safe and happy. Since her younger siblings are still with us and they'll all be having visits with their mom together, I should be able to hear some news of how she's doing from the visit supervisor. And for that I'm really grateful. The hardest part of saying goodbye to a foster child is not knowing how they're doing and what's happened to them.

The day that Sunshine left, Taz (who had stayed with us for 2 weeks and then another weekend previously) came back to our home. Our agency called and asked if she could stay with us for another weekend, and we agreed since we've had her before and enjoy having her here. Earlier this week they asked us if we would consider keeping her here as an actual long-term placement. We said yes without hesitation (in fact, Matt had a feeling awhile ago that this might happen). And today everything was approved. I'll be taking her to be registered at our local school tomorrow. There will be some adjusting to do as we figure out life with a grader-schooler (chores, allowance, homework, Activity Days...advice is welcome). But we're excited to embark on this new adventure.

New Current Kiddos: Taz (9), Ethan (3.5), Sissy (1), Pumpkin (1 month)

Life Changes Without Notice

Less than a week since Tiny came, we got a call from our agency letting us know that Sunshine and Sissy's mom was in labor and that he be removed. And their question was, can you take him? If we said yes, we would have 5 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months, and a newborn). But that's just too insane, even for us. So we told them that in order for us to take the newborn (Pumpkin), they would have to find a new home for Tiny.

It took them a day to find Tiny a new home (which was also able to take in his sister that was in a separate foster home) and another day to decide to move him there. But once the decision was made, everything happened real quickly. I had about 2 hours notice before they picked Tiny up (I was able to get all his stuff packed up) and 4 hours notice before I had to pick up Pumpkin from the hospital.

This is our first experience of having a newborn foster child, and it's very different from when we had Ethan. While Pumpkin does wake up at night to eat, it's not as often since he is bottle-fed. And I sleep great as soon as he settles down since I'm not postpartum or nursing. I don't think I'll ever be as tired as I was during the first year of Ethan's life.

So far everyone is adjusting well to having a newborn in the house and one less toddler (which has meant less sleep and less fighting). We have no idea how long our current set of kids will be here, but such is the life of foster-parenthood. All we can do is love and care for them while they are here and hope for the best when they move on.

Life with 4 Under 4

It's been almost 1 week since we accepted our 3rd (official) placement as foster parents, and the first time we've had 2 long-term placements at once. Taking in Tiny (2.5) put us at 4 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months).

It hasn't been as hard as I imagined. After saying yes, both Matt and I had moments of doubt; we wondered if we were biting off more than we could chew. While there has been moments of craziness and frustration (but, then again, we had those times when we "just" had 3 under 4), it has been manageable. It really helps, of course, that Sunshine and Sissy has over 20 hours of visitation a week and that they all sleep through the night. Plus, what's one more toddler when you already have 2?  

Tiny is a sweet boy and we've enjoyed watching the progress he's already made in our home. He is non-verbal (only understandable spoken words are bye, hi, and ball) but uses 5-10 signs (more, all-done, please, help, water, thank-you...). I don't know if he learned those signs from me or if he already knew them, but it is great to see him use them more consistently and without prompting. He does hit (others and himself) when upset at times, but has been responding well to warnings and timeouts. 

Because of Tiny's background and behavior, I've tried super hard since he's been here to watch my reaction to his and the other children's behavior. Using an overly harsh tone/yelling really upsets him and he will start hitting himself. So when correcting him and the other kids I've tried to use light tones (almost overly happy/cheerful) and treat situations in a matter-of-fact way ("we don't hit, we use soft hands; sit on the stairs until you're ready to be nice"). I've been trying to be better about doing this for awhile with Ethan and Sunshine, but having Tiny here has really been helpful to me in achieving this goal. That's slightly surprising to me, since I have been more busy and stressed since
Tiny arrived. 

But in some ways it's not that surprising. Because I've had more on my plate this last week, my priorities and expectations have changed. I don't expect as much from the kids (accidents happen, and that's okay) or myself (Dinner not cooked by the time Matt gets home? Oh well; everyone's alive and sane.). During the day, I've been spending a lot more time playing with the kids and less time facebooking, web browsing, watching Netflix, reading books, or talking on the phone. Basically, I was focused on them as much as I could be and still use the bathroom and do some chores around the house (I pretty much had to at least have them in sight when I had all 3 toddlers at once to ensure that they all survived playtime). While having another kids means less individual time with each of them, the quality of my time with them has increased. I feel like I've been able to be a happier mom and that my children are happier, too. Hopefully I can keep this up if/when my load lightens. 

A Redeeming Emergency Placement

Just over 2 weeks ago, we accepted an emergency placement; the first one we've done in 2 months. We had settled into life with 3, and after the difficulty of the last temporary placement, we weren't too keen on doing it again (it helped that we haven't been asked to do so too many times, so we've only had to say no a couple of times). But when we got the call to take in a 9 year old girl (Taz) for a few days, we just couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Saying yes felt right.

We were a little nervous about it still, due to her age. But it turned out to be a really fun placement. She was really easy to get along with and helped me out around the house and with the younger kids (without me asking her). Taz could have real conversations with me and play games too! It was a nice change from babies and toddlers. It also helped that she was gone at school all day during the week and was a great sleeper.

As happens often with short-term placements, she stayed longer than originally planned. Taz ended up being here for 2 weeks (the limit of being a short-term placement). While life was certainly busier with 4 kids, it was a great 2 weeks. We went swimming, had a game night with friends, went to General Conference and church, played at parks and went for walks, and hung out at home.

This placement really helped us to feel like we could do respite/emergency placements again with older kids, that not all older children would be difficult. I really enjoyed teaching her the gospel and it was amazing how receptive she was to it as we prayed, had Family Home Evening, scripture study, church, and General Conference. I hope that her short time in our home gave her a glimpse of the future she can still have, despite her family situation right now. Hopefully it will give her the strength to face whatever is ahead of her.

There are Limits

Last weekend we took in two brothers, ages 5 (C) and 7 (M). They got here at bedtime and it took awhile to get them to settle down and fall asleep (totally understandable as they are in a stranger's home). They were up real early though, resulting in them only getting 8 hours of sleep. M got mad about something pretty early on and kept saying he didn't like it here and that he wanted to go home to his mom. We explained to him that they'll be here for the weekend and then we'll see what the social worker says when they come in a few days. He tried to open the front door a few times, but with the doornob cover we have on it (even though he can rip it off) and the two locks, I was able to stop him before he got the door open. I explained that in our house we have two big rules for safety: don't leave the house without permission and don't hit/kick/push others. I told him that if he behaved and listened well the rest of the morning, he could play minecraft after lunch while the little ones napped. That seemed to smooth things over and we all had a great rest of the morning. We even went to the park and we didn't have any more incidents...

Until after we let him play minecraft for a bit after lunch. The little kids were still sleeping when his time was up on the computer. I gave him a few options for quiet activities to do until they woke up, and he wasn't happy with any of them. He started calling me names, and when I tried to do put him in time out, everything blew up. He tried repeatedly to escape our house and it was all Matt and I could do to block the door. He continued calling us names and started throwing toys at us and that he wants to go home to his mom. Eventually the situation escalated to the point that we decided that we had to call our caseworker. I made the call while Matt delt with M; after hearing about what was going on, our caseworker made the 1 hour trip to our house. By the time I got off the phone, Matt had calmed M down, but only after M tried to get out the second story window. That's when we knew that the situation with M is beyond our ability to handle.

After our caseworker got here and talked to M, she too determined that it would be best for him to be moved. We felt really bad about doing that (it's our first placement disruption) but we just didn't feel like it was safe for him to be at our house anymore. This placement was only supposed to be for the weekend, and we couldn't even last 1 day with him. But there are limits to what we can and cannot handle. We also felt bad for our caseworker...we pretty much ruined her Saturday. She couldn't leave our house until everything was figured out, and it was 4 hours before they were able to find a new home for M to go to.

When it was finally time for M to leave, it was already bedtime and C was exhausted and ready to sleep. Saying goodbye to his brother was really tough for him, making us feel even worse about the whole thing (there was only room for 1 where M was going, so we agreed to keep C for the rest of the weekend). After M left C pushed me and said he hated me, but I was able to calm him down pretty quickly. We had a good talk about feelings and I told him it was okay to cry and be sad, but that it's not okay to hit and say mean things.

C was with us for 3 more days, and it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Some pushing/hitting and namecalling, but nothing that we couldn't handle. He was a sweet kid and his behavior improved over time as he got used the the rules and structure of our home. Telling him that it was time for him to leave and go to a new home was difficult; he was just starting to get used to things here. I had no real answers for him; I didn't know where he was going or how long he'd be there. But there was no way we could keep him long term due to carspace.

This placement was the hardest one by far that we've had out of the 14 foster kids that have come through our home so far. It was emotionally draining to deal with a child who didn't want to be here and was hateful and becoming violent in his anger and trying to run away. It was emotionally draining to have to make the decision to move a child that have already been moved twice that week and deal with the guilt of doing so. But this placement has also shown us our limits as to what we can and cannot handle. And looking back, I know that we made the best decision for everyone involved. We were able to keep everyone safe, and that's what's most important.