Since I've become a foster mom, every Mother's Day I think of the "other moms". The moms who gave birth to the foster kids we've had. Their children color me pictures, make me cards, gives me hugs and kisses, tells me they love me, and say "Happy Mother's Day". And while I do make a point of helping their children make them a Mother's Day card, they are alone on this special day.
It's a sobering thought, that a child another women carried and delivered calls me/see me as their mom, or one of their moms. While the actions of the "other moms" was what resulted in their children being with me instead of them on Mother's Day, my heart still goes out to them. I can only imagine the extent of their heartache and how hopeless they feel.
To all of the "other moms" of all the kids that have stayed with us (whether it was for a day or a year), Happy Mother's Day. Whether you are with your children again on this special day or not, know that you will always be their Mother, the one who gave them life, and they will always hold you in a special place in their heart.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Update
It's been awhile since I've posted, so here's a short update. Tigger left in December to live with relatives. It was hard having her leave, especially since things were heading towards adoption, but over time we've been able to see that it was the best for her and our family. And it greatly helps that her relatives have chosen to keep in contact with us and we have been able to see her often over the last 6 months. We know that she is safe and happy. And that's what really matters. She's the first kid who have left our home that we've been able to see again, and it's so comforting to see that she's doing well.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Siblings Reunited
A few days ago, we got a call about Chip and Smallz's 7 year old sister (we found out about her existence about a month after getting the boys). She was staying with a relative, but now had to come into foster care. They wanted to know if we could take her. It was a hard decision at first. We already had 4 kids and weren't planning on going back up to 5. Things were comfortable. We had all just adjusted to Taz leaving a month previously. Did we really want to change things up again when things are going so great? Yet how could we say no? We had the extra bed and car-space. We knew we could handle another (especially an older school aged kid) if we really wanted to. And most importantly, we knew how much it would mean to the siblings to be able to be together. So we said yes.
And we are so glad that we did. That first night, the boys' sister (Sweet Sis) thanked me for letting her come, that she really wanted to be with her brothers. At that moment I knew that we'd made the right decision. She has been so sweet and helpful. And she is wise beyond her years. She says so many things that touch my heart deeply: "I'll be good for you." "You guys are helping my family by taking care of us while they're working on getting better." "You guys take care of us like we're your own kids." "You guys keep us really safe."
She's going through so many changes with a new home, new school, new people, new routines, and new foods. As glad as Sweet Sis is that she's with her brothers, she still misses the rest of her family a lot. One thing that has helped her a lot is praying. Praying for help to feel better, praying for her parents to be able to do the things they need to do, praying that they can all be together again soon. Coloring/drawing pictures for her parents also helped. And just talking about how she's feeling. Sometimes I've had to put off preparing dinner or getting the kids ready for bed to sit with her while she cries and we talk. I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me those things that are in her heart.
Having Sweet Sis here has been a little of an adjustment for Tigger and Ethan as well, but everyone is getting along pretty well. 5 kids is a lot, but when they're all so well-behaved and play so nicely together, it doesn't seem like it. Of course they all have their moments and fight and hit and argue, but really, they're just such good kids.
Well, until further notice we are again a family of 7. Current kiddo line-up: Sweet Sis (7), Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2).
And we are so glad that we did. That first night, the boys' sister (Sweet Sis) thanked me for letting her come, that she really wanted to be with her brothers. At that moment I knew that we'd made the right decision. She has been so sweet and helpful. And she is wise beyond her years. She says so many things that touch my heart deeply: "I'll be good for you." "You guys are helping my family by taking care of us while they're working on getting better." "You guys take care of us like we're your own kids." "You guys keep us really safe."
She's going through so many changes with a new home, new school, new people, new routines, and new foods. As glad as Sweet Sis is that she's with her brothers, she still misses the rest of her family a lot. One thing that has helped her a lot is praying. Praying for help to feel better, praying for her parents to be able to do the things they need to do, praying that they can all be together again soon. Coloring/drawing pictures for her parents also helped. And just talking about how she's feeling. Sometimes I've had to put off preparing dinner or getting the kids ready for bed to sit with her while she cries and we talk. I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me those things that are in her heart.
Having Sweet Sis here has been a little of an adjustment for Tigger and Ethan as well, but everyone is getting along pretty well. 5 kids is a lot, but when they're all so well-behaved and play so nicely together, it doesn't seem like it. Of course they all have their moments and fight and hit and argue, but really, they're just such good kids.
Well, until further notice we are again a family of 7. Current kiddo line-up: Sweet Sis (7), Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2).
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I Wouldn't Trade it for Anything
There's this question that I get all the time as a foster mom, and I've never quite known how to answer it. The question is: "How can you say goodbye to your foster kids after getting so attached and loving them so much?" (This is usually followed by a statement along the lines of, "I could never do it." Or "You're so amazing"). Well I watched a movie called "Paycheck" yesterday that finally helped me phrase my answer in the perfect way. Here's a quote that explains my feelings perfectly:
"Rachel Porter: You asked me the strangest question.
Michael Jennings: What?
Rachel Porter: If I knew it wouldn't work out for you and I, before we were together, would I have done it?
Michel Jennings: What did you say?
Rachel Porter: That I wouldn't trade our time for anything."
And that is how I feel. That's how I can continue doing foster care, placement after placement, loss after loss. I'm no saint, I have my moments of impatience, I yell, I engage in power struggles with the kids over pointless things. But I'm a good mom, not perfect, but good. I love Ethan and all the kids that have come, and gone. Even the hard ones, even the ones that were here for just a few days. I look back at those pictures and and videos and think back on those memoires. There were good ones, and bad ones. But mostly good, and the good overshadow the bad.
So here's my answer to the many who have asked me (doctors, dentists, friend, church member, random stranger, family member) how I can handle being a foster mom and get so attached and let them go: I wouldn't trade my time with those kids for anything. I deeply desire to add to my family permanently, but my time with every kid that we've had in our home was worth it, it was not a waste, even though it wasn't meant to be forever. They needed me, and I them. Our time together is over, but I'll cherish the memories we've had forever, and learn from them too. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"Rachel Porter: You asked me the strangest question.
Michael Jennings: What?
Rachel Porter: If I knew it wouldn't work out for you and I, before we were together, would I have done it?
Michel Jennings: What did you say?
Rachel Porter: That I wouldn't trade our time for anything."
And that is how I feel. That's how I can continue doing foster care, placement after placement, loss after loss. I'm no saint, I have my moments of impatience, I yell, I engage in power struggles with the kids over pointless things. But I'm a good mom, not perfect, but good. I love Ethan and all the kids that have come, and gone. Even the hard ones, even the ones that were here for just a few days. I look back at those pictures and and videos and think back on those memoires. There were good ones, and bad ones. But mostly good, and the good overshadow the bad.
So here's my answer to the many who have asked me (doctors, dentists, friend, church member, random stranger, family member) how I can handle being a foster mom and get so attached and let them go: I wouldn't trade my time with those kids for anything. I deeply desire to add to my family permanently, but my time with every kid that we've had in our home was worth it, it was not a waste, even though it wasn't meant to be forever. They needed me, and I them. Our time together is over, but I'll cherish the memories we've had forever, and learn from them too. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
A Difficult Goodbye
Today, Taz left to live with her dad. We've known this was the plan for a couple months, the longest notice we've had for any of our kids who have left. So you could say that we've had plenty of time to prepare for this goodbye, but really, is any length of time "enough" to say goodbye forever?
It's interesting, because you'd think it would've been harder to say goodbye to the babies and toddlers we've had who were here around the same length of time that Taz has been (9 months). But it wasn't. She's only been gone for a couple of hours and it's already harder. We got attached to her more than any of the others who have left, which may seem odd because she's older and people seem to think that it's easier to attach to and love babies and toddlers, but that's just not always the case. I don't know why Taz got attached to us so quickly or why we came to love her so quickly, but it was very natural. She was, and is, our daughter. So saying goodbye today was no fun.
All week, while packing up her stuff and getting ready for her to leave, there have been many moments when I've thought, "this is the last time". The last time taking her to the store, the last time going to the park together, the last time going swimming together, the last meal, the last song goodnight, the last hug. Because we may never see her again in this lifetime.
Sending her off today, I felt like how I imagine a parent would feel like sending their child off to college. Worrying if we've taught her enough to take care of herself, to be safe and successful in the world. It's a weird feeling, feeling the need to squish everything Taz would need to learn into 9 short months (especially when for 6 of those months we thought we'd have at least a year or two or more). Because we don't know if anyone will teach her those values and life skills we feel is necessary.
But even a parent sending their child off to college (or a mission or anywhere) can write letters, call, skype, or visit. We don't have those options. All we can do now is pray for her. She is in God's hands.
So, for now, we are a family of 6: Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2)
It's interesting, because you'd think it would've been harder to say goodbye to the babies and toddlers we've had who were here around the same length of time that Taz has been (9 months). But it wasn't. She's only been gone for a couple of hours and it's already harder. We got attached to her more than any of the others who have left, which may seem odd because she's older and people seem to think that it's easier to attach to and love babies and toddlers, but that's just not always the case. I don't know why Taz got attached to us so quickly or why we came to love her so quickly, but it was very natural. She was, and is, our daughter. So saying goodbye today was no fun.
All week, while packing up her stuff and getting ready for her to leave, there have been many moments when I've thought, "this is the last time". The last time taking her to the store, the last time going to the park together, the last time going swimming together, the last meal, the last song goodnight, the last hug. Because we may never see her again in this lifetime.
Sending her off today, I felt like how I imagine a parent would feel like sending their child off to college. Worrying if we've taught her enough to take care of herself, to be safe and successful in the world. It's a weird feeling, feeling the need to squish everything Taz would need to learn into 9 short months (especially when for 6 of those months we thought we'd have at least a year or two or more). Because we don't know if anyone will teach her those values and life skills we feel is necessary.
But even a parent sending their child off to college (or a mission or anywhere) can write letters, call, skype, or visit. We don't have those options. All we can do now is pray for her. She is in God's hands.
So, for now, we are a family of 6: Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2)
Sunday, June 19, 2016
The Return of Tigger
So a week after Chip and Smallz arrived, we got a call from our social worker about Tigger. The relative that she had been staying with for about a month wanted her to be removed. Again. Because they couldn't handle her behaviors. Again.
Even though we already have 4 kids, we said YES to talking her back without hesitation. But it took two weeks to actually get her here due to paperwork, as we were at capacity with 3 foster children already. It took awhile for everyone to figure out what needed to be done and increase our capacity to 4 foster children.
Well, is been a little over a week since she's returned, and things have been great. None of the behaviors everyone's talked about have occurred. She's just a normal little girl. She gets into her fair share of trouble, but nothing you wouldn't expect from a preschooler. Nothing we can't handle.
And so far, having 5 kids really hasn't been very different from when we had 4. More dishes to wash and laundry to do, but that's about it. It helps that this fifth child is not a newborn and I'm not recovering from childbirth. And she's a child we've already had before.
We're so glad she's back. We missed her a bunch while she was gone. Not sure how long she'll be here this time around, but we'll enjoy her as much as we can while she's here.
Oh, and Chip is potty trained! It was easier and faster than I anticipated. So now I only have 1 child in diapers. Hurray!
The current bunch: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Tigger (3), Chip (3), Smallz (22 months)
Even though we already have 4 kids, we said YES to talking her back without hesitation. But it took two weeks to actually get her here due to paperwork, as we were at capacity with 3 foster children already. It took awhile for everyone to figure out what needed to be done and increase our capacity to 4 foster children.
Well, is been a little over a week since she's returned, and things have been great. None of the behaviors everyone's talked about have occurred. She's just a normal little girl. She gets into her fair share of trouble, but nothing you wouldn't expect from a preschooler. Nothing we can't handle.
And so far, having 5 kids really hasn't been very different from when we had 4. More dishes to wash and laundry to do, but that's about it. It helps that this fifth child is not a newborn and I'm not recovering from childbirth. And she's a child we've already had before.
We're so glad she's back. We missed her a bunch while she was gone. Not sure how long she'll be here this time around, but we'll enjoy her as much as we can while she's here.
Oh, and Chip is potty trained! It was easier and faster than I anticipated. So now I only have 1 child in diapers. Hurray!
The current bunch: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Tigger (3), Chip (3), Smallz (22 months)
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Many Changes
There was court for J Boy yesterday, and the judge ordered for him to be an in-home services case, which meant that he could go home as long as the home walk-through went well. The walk-though was today and everything checked out. J Boy left this afternoon. DCS will be providing his parents with services and support to make sure he stays safe. It's crazy how short a time he was in our home. But not really; uncertainty is certain in the life of foster care.
What's more crazy is that we received a call last night for another placement (as it was fairly certain that J Boy was leaving today). It was for a 1 year old boy. They told us they had already found a home willing to take his 3 year old sister, but if we were willing to take them both, that'd be great. After a short discussion, Matt and I agreed to take them both. They were coming from an hour away, so we had time to change sheets, move beds, lower the crib, wash dishes, and such to prepare for their arrival late at night.
To our surprise, the 3 year old was a BOY, not a girl like we were expecting. This posed a problem as we are only supposed to have 2 kids in each room. So we had to move the toddler bed back out of Taz's room into our room and move Ethan into it. Then the 3 year old (Chip) took Ethan's bed and the 1 year old (Smallz) had the crib. Oh, and J Boy was in a pack and play already in our room, so thankfully he didn't have to be moved. It worked out fine since Ethan always comes into our room in the middle of the night anyways. He wasn't upset at all to wake up and find himself in our room and new kids in his.
It was a bit crazy at times today adjusting to the 2 new arrivals and taking care of J Boy. I'll admit that I panicked a little as the time for the home walk-through neared; I worried that things wouldn't check out and that they would tell me that J-Boy wasn't leaving afterall. Thankfully, that didn't happen (not that I wanted him to leave, it's just that with the new kiddos here, there was no way I could handle all of them for long).
Ethan enjoyed playing with Chip and wasn't too annoyed by Smallz. They're both pretty well behaved boys. They are sleeping pretty well considering that they're so new here. Eating, I think, will be the biggest challenge, especially for Chip, as he is a VERY picky eater. All the picky kids we've had so far could at least sometimes be persuaded/bribed by a promise of a favorite snack after eating their meal. Not so with Chip. Even Mac-n-cheese and pizza was a challenge. He wanted apple jacks all day long. Utensils also seem to be a foreign object to both boys. The other challenge, also with Chip is that he is not at all toilet trained (he'll be 4 next month). He'll be the 4th kid I've had the "privilege" of training. Though I don't plan on tackling this one anytime soon.
Well, here's hoping things are finally going to settle down now.
Four kids: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Chip (3), Smallz (1)
What's more crazy is that we received a call last night for another placement (as it was fairly certain that J Boy was leaving today). It was for a 1 year old boy. They told us they had already found a home willing to take his 3 year old sister, but if we were willing to take them both, that'd be great. After a short discussion, Matt and I agreed to take them both. They were coming from an hour away, so we had time to change sheets, move beds, lower the crib, wash dishes, and such to prepare for their arrival late at night.
To our surprise, the 3 year old was a BOY, not a girl like we were expecting. This posed a problem as we are only supposed to have 2 kids in each room. So we had to move the toddler bed back out of Taz's room into our room and move Ethan into it. Then the 3 year old (Chip) took Ethan's bed and the 1 year old (Smallz) had the crib. Oh, and J Boy was in a pack and play already in our room, so thankfully he didn't have to be moved. It worked out fine since Ethan always comes into our room in the middle of the night anyways. He wasn't upset at all to wake up and find himself in our room and new kids in his.
It was a bit crazy at times today adjusting to the 2 new arrivals and taking care of J Boy. I'll admit that I panicked a little as the time for the home walk-through neared; I worried that things wouldn't check out and that they would tell me that J-Boy wasn't leaving afterall. Thankfully, that didn't happen (not that I wanted him to leave, it's just that with the new kiddos here, there was no way I could handle all of them for long).
Ethan enjoyed playing with Chip and wasn't too annoyed by Smallz. They're both pretty well behaved boys. They are sleeping pretty well considering that they're so new here. Eating, I think, will be the biggest challenge, especially for Chip, as he is a VERY picky eater. All the picky kids we've had so far could at least sometimes be persuaded/bribed by a promise of a favorite snack after eating their meal. Not so with Chip. Even Mac-n-cheese and pizza was a challenge. He wanted apple jacks all day long. Utensils also seem to be a foreign object to both boys. The other challenge, also with Chip is that he is not at all toilet trained (he'll be 4 next month). He'll be the 4th kid I've had the "privilege" of training. Though I don't plan on tackling this one anytime soon.
Well, here's hoping things are finally going to settle down now.
Four kids: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Chip (3), Smallz (1)
Monday, May 16, 2016
A New Addition
Last night we got a call about an almost 4 month old baby boy (J Boy) and Matt drove down to the Riley Children's Hospital to pick him up. He has a broken femur and a possible skull fracture. It was past 1am this morning by the time they got home. All things considered, J Boy slept pretty well last night and has been a pretty easy-going baby today. Ethan woke up in the middle of the night to the baby's crying and sat up in bed asking "Who's that?" I told him we got a new baby and to go back to sleep. Without further comment Ethan laid back down and slept.
This morning both Ethan and Taz seemed really interested in J Boy, though they kept their distance at first because of the brace on his legs. They warmed up to him quickly once we explained the injuries to them and that they just had to be careful not to touch his legs. Then they both tried handing him toys to hold and pulled the string to activate the music on his baby seat whenever he cried.
It's been almost 4 months since we've had a baby in the house. It'll be an adjustment, of course, but a quick one I think for the kids. Matt and I will probably have a harder time since we have to adjust to getting less sleep than we've been getting lately. But it's all worth it for this precious little boy.
Current kiddos: Taz (10), Ethan (4), and J Boy (4 months).
A new adventure, here we come!
This morning both Ethan and Taz seemed really interested in J Boy, though they kept their distance at first because of the brace on his legs. They warmed up to him quickly once we explained the injuries to them and that they just had to be careful not to touch his legs. Then they both tried handing him toys to hold and pulled the string to activate the music on his baby seat whenever he cried.
It's been almost 4 months since we've had a baby in the house. It'll be an adjustment, of course, but a quick one I think for the kids. Matt and I will probably have a harder time since we have to adjust to getting less sleep than we've been getting lately. But it's all worth it for this precious little boy.
Current kiddos: Taz (10), Ethan (4), and J Boy (4 months).
A new adventure, here we come!
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Life's a Rollercoaster
About a week and a half after Tigger left to live with her relative, we got a call that her relative wanted her moved due to behavioral problems at home and at daycare. "Can you take her back?" was the question. Without hesitation we said "Yes! Of course!" We were ready to have her back in our home immediately; there wasn't really any preparation needed on our part. But on their end there was paperwork to be done and whatnot. Yesterday we were told to expect her on Friday. Well, today we were told that her relative had changed her mind. Tigger is no longer coming back to our home.
To say that we are disappointed is an understatement. When we said our goodbyes almost 2 weeks ago (those of us who were actually able to say goodbye), we never expected to ever hear of her again, let alone see her again. To be asked to take her back and then told it wasn't going to happen anymore, it was like losing her all over again. The loss is actually worse than the first time.
We hope that her relative was just overwhelmed and that she won't change her mind again. Because if we get another placement soon, the odds are that we would be unable to take Tigger back. In a way I'm happy the relative changed her mind, that she didn't just give up on Tigger so soon. Tigger was just a normal 3 year old kid in our home and in the 2.5 months that we had her, we never saw any extreme behavioral issues. Hopefully now that she's had time to settle into her relative's home, things will be as good for her there as it was here in our home.
Life's a rollercoaster, especially with foster care...
To say that we are disappointed is an understatement. When we said our goodbyes almost 2 weeks ago (those of us who were actually able to say goodbye), we never expected to ever hear of her again, let alone see her again. To be asked to take her back and then told it wasn't going to happen anymore, it was like losing her all over again. The loss is actually worse than the first time.
We hope that her relative was just overwhelmed and that she won't change her mind again. Because if we get another placement soon, the odds are that we would be unable to take Tigger back. In a way I'm happy the relative changed her mind, that she didn't just give up on Tigger so soon. Tigger was just a normal 3 year old kid in our home and in the 2.5 months that we had her, we never saw any extreme behavioral issues. Hopefully now that she's had time to settle into her relative's home, things will be as good for her there as it was here in our home.
Life's a rollercoaster, especially with foster care...
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Another Goodbye
A couple of days ago, Tigger left our home to live with a relative. It wasn't unexpected since they've been discussing this move for 2 months. However, the move happened quite suddenly. I knew they had court that day for her case, and knew that the judge would probably order this move, but I thought that they would've had a transition for her into the relative's home (increased visits, overnight visits...). She's only seen this relative twice before.
When I got the call after court, it was a scramble to get as much of her things packed as possible. I had less than half an hour. I'm sure it was confusing for Tigger to see me toss all her clothes into a laundry basket, along with her toys and shoes: "What are you doing mommy?" she asked. I had to quickly explain that she was going to live with her relative: "And then I come back here mommy?" she asked. "No, you're not going to live here anymore. The judge wants you to live with your relative. You'll be safe there. She'll take care of you." I explained.
The hardest part about saying goodbye this time around was having to wonder how she'll adjust. Will she regress developmentally (I toilet trained her, but when she was in respite while we were out of town for spring break, she had daily, multiple accidents in that home.) or behaviorally (Before she came to live with us she had anger issues and trouble listening, severe enough to need therapy; she never had those problems in our home and therapy was discontinued.)? I also had to worry about how the others in my family would adjust, especially Taz, who was at school when Tigger left. Thankfully she took it real well when she found out after school. I think it helped that we all knew this day would be coming, sooner or later.
The day after she left I did what I always do when a foster child leaves: clean and pack. I clean to decompress and to prepare for a future placement. And I pack away all the things we no longer need because the child has left our home.
The 2.5 months that Tigger was here was busy and fun. She learned so much here, and taught us so much too. She and Ethan fought and played like true siblings would. And she had Matt wrapped around her little finger in a way only daughters can do. She annoyed Taz and got her to indulge her like the little sister she was. Tigger and I butted heads and made up just like mothers and daughters would do. As short of a time as she was here, she was a part of our family. And in many ways she is still a part of our family, and always will be.
We didn't ask for a break this time, but we didn't tell them we were ready for a new placement either. So we'll just wait and see and be surprised as to when our time as a 4-person family will end.
Current Kiddos: Taz (9) and Ethan (4)
When I got the call after court, it was a scramble to get as much of her things packed as possible. I had less than half an hour. I'm sure it was confusing for Tigger to see me toss all her clothes into a laundry basket, along with her toys and shoes: "What are you doing mommy?" she asked. I had to quickly explain that she was going to live with her relative: "And then I come back here mommy?" she asked. "No, you're not going to live here anymore. The judge wants you to live with your relative. You'll be safe there. She'll take care of you." I explained.
The hardest part about saying goodbye this time around was having to wonder how she'll adjust. Will she regress developmentally (I toilet trained her, but when she was in respite while we were out of town for spring break, she had daily, multiple accidents in that home.) or behaviorally (Before she came to live with us she had anger issues and trouble listening, severe enough to need therapy; she never had those problems in our home and therapy was discontinued.)? I also had to worry about how the others in my family would adjust, especially Taz, who was at school when Tigger left. Thankfully she took it real well when she found out after school. I think it helped that we all knew this day would be coming, sooner or later.
The day after she left I did what I always do when a foster child leaves: clean and pack. I clean to decompress and to prepare for a future placement. And I pack away all the things we no longer need because the child has left our home.
The 2.5 months that Tigger was here was busy and fun. She learned so much here, and taught us so much too. She and Ethan fought and played like true siblings would. And she had Matt wrapped around her little finger in a way only daughters can do. She annoyed Taz and got her to indulge her like the little sister she was. Tigger and I butted heads and made up just like mothers and daughters would do. As short of a time as she was here, she was a part of our family. And in many ways she is still a part of our family, and always will be.
We didn't ask for a break this time, but we didn't tell them we were ready for a new placement either. So we'll just wait and see and be surprised as to when our time as a 4-person family will end.
Current Kiddos: Taz (9) and Ethan (4)
Monday, February 22, 2016
1 Year of Fostering
About 1 year ago, we received our first foster placement. It seems like ages ago. Reflecting on this past year, I can truly say that we have been blessed. It was a privilege to have had each of those 20 kids in our home. Not all of them were a good fit in our family, but we learned so much from caring and loving each and every one of them. Of the 18 that have left, we were relieved to see some them go, we were heartbroken over some of them, and many were somewhere in between. But we think about all of them often, wondering if they are safe, happy, and well taken care of.
Some of the hardest things we've gone through this first year of fostering are:
Some of the hardest things we've gone through this first year of fostering are:
- saying goodbye
- recognizing and learning to deal with our many shortcomings as parents
- living with the constant uncertainty
- dealing with the bio family and their complaints
But all of that pales in comparison with what we've gained, which includes:
- hearing our kiddos say "I Love You"
- having the kids ask for more hugs, to be held, to sit on our laps
- being called mommy and daddy
- having the kids say that they love it here, that they don't want to leave
- being able to provide the kids with a stable, loving home
- teaching them the gospel
- seeing them grow, develop, and thrive in our home
- enjoying fun activities together
Fostering isn't easy, and there have been times when we've felt like giving up, but sticking it out has been worth it. When fostering is at its hardest, I remind myself that as hard as it is for us, it's a million times harder for the kids. As foster parents, we have many choices, but as foster kids, they have almost none. They certainly didn't choose to be in foster care. While we have the choice to throw in the towel at any time, these kids have no choice. Their fate is in the hands of their parents, DCS, and the judge. The least we can do is make their lives as stable and happy as possible while they wait in the limbo of foster care.
Looking forward to another year of fostering, I wonder what it'll bring...
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Saying Goodbye, Moving On
This past weekend, our babies left to live with their dad. Sissy was in our home for 9.5 months, the longest we've had a foster child. Pumpkin was in our home for 3.5 months, his entire life. It's so strange how much a part of our life they have been, but then one phone call later, we're packing their things and they left the next day. Just like that. Thankfully, though, this move didn't catch us by surprise. We've known for over a month that it was coming, and they've had some overnight weekend visits.
In the days after they left, we kept ourselves busy with cleaning up the house and doing those chores that have been put on the back burner for the last few months. But even then, we started to feel pretty empty after a few days. Going from 4 kids to 2 is a big jump. Going from 2 babies to none is a big change.
When it became apparent that the babies would be leaving soon, Matt and I discussed what we wanted to do after they left. And we decided that we would take a little break, maybe about 2-4 weeks. We'll play it by ear, we thought. We also decided that when we were ready to take another placement, that we would just take 1, instead of 2 kids. And we told this to our social worker, knowing that it would be hard for us to say no to a placement if we got a call for one.
Well, tonight's on-call worker forgot that little info, and gave us a call. At first it was for two kiddos, 9 months and almost 2. But while we were considering, they got another referral: a 3 year old girl (Tigger). It didn't take us long to realize that we are okay with our break being cut short (4 days instead of 4 weeks) and accept the placement of the 3 year old little girl.
This will be an adjustment for everyone in our home, having 2 toddlers again. But hopefully Ethan, especially, will get used to having Tigger around and there won't be too much pushing and hitting. And hopefully Taz won't be too annoyed at having 2 little kids following her around.
3 kids, 2 adults...here we go!
Current Run-Down: Taz (9), Ethan (3-almost 4!), Tigger (3)
In the days after they left, we kept ourselves busy with cleaning up the house and doing those chores that have been put on the back burner for the last few months. But even then, we started to feel pretty empty after a few days. Going from 4 kids to 2 is a big jump. Going from 2 babies to none is a big change.
When it became apparent that the babies would be leaving soon, Matt and I discussed what we wanted to do after they left. And we decided that we would take a little break, maybe about 2-4 weeks. We'll play it by ear, we thought. We also decided that when we were ready to take another placement, that we would just take 1, instead of 2 kids. And we told this to our social worker, knowing that it would be hard for us to say no to a placement if we got a call for one.
Well, tonight's on-call worker forgot that little info, and gave us a call. At first it was for two kiddos, 9 months and almost 2. But while we were considering, they got another referral: a 3 year old girl (Tigger). It didn't take us long to realize that we are okay with our break being cut short (4 days instead of 4 weeks) and accept the placement of the 3 year old little girl.
This will be an adjustment for everyone in our home, having 2 toddlers again. But hopefully Ethan, especially, will get used to having Tigger around and there won't be too much pushing and hitting. And hopefully Taz won't be too annoyed at having 2 little kids following her around.
3 kids, 2 adults...here we go!
Current Run-Down: Taz (9), Ethan (3-almost 4!), Tigger (3)
Sunday, January 24, 2016
New Faces
Over the last few months, we have settled into life with 4 kids. Our newborn isn't so new anymore and we're getting the hang of having a kid in school. A couple weekends ago though, we changed things up a bit. We agreed to do respite for another foster family (the couple wanted to go out of town for their anniversary; how could we say no?). When we agreed to this, we thought we'd have 6 kids for 1 of the two nights, but happily it turned out that Pumpkin and Sissy's overnight visit was for 2 nights instead of 1. So there was only a 1/2 hour overlap when we had all 6 kids.
The respite kiddos we had for the weekend were Ay (6) and Al (5 months). Ethan really enjoyed having another boy to play with, and Taz enjoyed having a kid closer to her age to play with, so it was a win-win for both of them. It was nice for us to, because somehow by adding a third kid to the mix, the kids played really well on their own. I guess it's nice to have a new playmate every once in awhile.
Al was a pretty chill baby. It's amazing how much more he could do than Pumpkin, being 2 months older. The one thing we did not enjoy at all was his sleep, or lack thereof. We were told by his regular foster mom that he only woke up once a night around 3am or 4am. Well, for us on the first night he slept until about 2am, then woke up about once every hour after that, though he didn't need to be fed until after 7am. Each time he woke up he fell back asleep on his own, before I could get to him. The next night was a bit worse in he needed to be fed once in the middle of the night and still woke up about once every hour after that. Each time he woke up he needed his pacifier put back in his mouth. Poor baby (and poor us!); having to adjust to a new place must be hard.
Other than the lack of sleep, we enjoyed having Ay and Al stay with us. Ay had a bit of a hard time when he had to leave. I think he really liked staying with us, probably because he doesn't have any playmates in his regular foster home. When they left, we thought we'd probably never see them again...
...but we were wrong. This last weekend we were asked to watch them again just for one night due to a medical emergency with his foster parent. As hard as it was to say yes knowing that we'd likely get very little sleep again (especially since we were so looking forward to a full night's sleep with Sissy and Pumpkin gone on their overnight weekend visit), we knew it'd be a lot easier for Ay and Al to stay with us and not have to adjust to a complete stranger's home for 1 night.
It was a short stay, but mostly enjoyable. Ay was so excited to be back and the kids had a blast playing together all morning on Saturday. Al, as expected, slept terribly. Even worse than before, actually. Once he woke up and was fed at 3am, it took him 2 hours to fall back asleep. But we took turns tending to him and survived.
It's been awhile since we've done respite (with 4 kids we haven't even be asked in months) and even though it was a bit of a sacrifice, I'm glad we were able to help out (both the kids and their foster parents). I'm glad we had the extra beds and time to take those kids in; Heavenly Father has blessed us so much and we're blessed to be able to share what we have with others.
The respite kiddos we had for the weekend were Ay (6) and Al (5 months). Ethan really enjoyed having another boy to play with, and Taz enjoyed having a kid closer to her age to play with, so it was a win-win for both of them. It was nice for us to, because somehow by adding a third kid to the mix, the kids played really well on their own. I guess it's nice to have a new playmate every once in awhile.
Al was a pretty chill baby. It's amazing how much more he could do than Pumpkin, being 2 months older. The one thing we did not enjoy at all was his sleep, or lack thereof. We were told by his regular foster mom that he only woke up once a night around 3am or 4am. Well, for us on the first night he slept until about 2am, then woke up about once every hour after that, though he didn't need to be fed until after 7am. Each time he woke up he fell back asleep on his own, before I could get to him. The next night was a bit worse in he needed to be fed once in the middle of the night and still woke up about once every hour after that. Each time he woke up he needed his pacifier put back in his mouth. Poor baby (and poor us!); having to adjust to a new place must be hard.
Other than the lack of sleep, we enjoyed having Ay and Al stay with us. Ay had a bit of a hard time when he had to leave. I think he really liked staying with us, probably because he doesn't have any playmates in his regular foster home. When they left, we thought we'd probably never see them again...
...but we were wrong. This last weekend we were asked to watch them again just for one night due to a medical emergency with his foster parent. As hard as it was to say yes knowing that we'd likely get very little sleep again (especially since we were so looking forward to a full night's sleep with Sissy and Pumpkin gone on their overnight weekend visit), we knew it'd be a lot easier for Ay and Al to stay with us and not have to adjust to a complete stranger's home for 1 night.
It was a short stay, but mostly enjoyable. Ay was so excited to be back and the kids had a blast playing together all morning on Saturday. Al, as expected, slept terribly. Even worse than before, actually. Once he woke up and was fed at 3am, it took him 2 hours to fall back asleep. But we took turns tending to him and survived.
It's been awhile since we've done respite (with 4 kids we haven't even be asked in months) and even though it was a bit of a sacrifice, I'm glad we were able to help out (both the kids and their foster parents). I'm glad we had the extra beds and time to take those kids in; Heavenly Father has blessed us so much and we're blessed to be able to share what we have with others.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
A Revolving Door
Last week, we said goodbye to Sunshine, who had been in our home for 7 months. We have been expecting reunification to happen for awhile, especially after she started overnight weekend visits over a month ago. It was with mixed feelings as we packed her things and said goodbye (this time we had a day's notice): sadness at seeing her go, probably never to meet again and not knowing how things will turn out for her, and yet relief at being free from the difficulties of having her go back and forth. The last month of her stay was tough for all in the household, and not because we got her newborn brother. It was because she was gone SO much. Towards the end, she was only here for about 16 hours of awake time a week. That didn't leave us much time to play with her and feel connected. She would come back from visits being more difficult to handle, which was understandable as she has different rules (or a lack thereof) there. So while it was hard to see her go, it was time, and best for everyone. I guess this all means that the transition home was successful: we went from feeling like parents to her, to an Aunt/Uncle/Nanny role as visits increased, to finally just like a babysitter this last month. We hope the best for her, that she'll be safe and happy. Since her younger siblings are still with us and they'll all be having visits with their mom together, I should be able to hear some news of how she's doing from the visit supervisor. And for that I'm really grateful. The hardest part of saying goodbye to a foster child is not knowing how they're doing and what's happened to them.
The day that Sunshine left, Taz (who had stayed with us for 2 weeks and then another weekend previously) came back to our home. Our agency called and asked if she could stay with us for another weekend, and we agreed since we've had her before and enjoy having her here. Earlier this week they asked us if we would consider keeping her here as an actual long-term placement. We said yes without hesitation (in fact, Matt had a feeling awhile ago that this might happen). And today everything was approved. I'll be taking her to be registered at our local school tomorrow. There will be some adjusting to do as we figure out life with a grader-schooler (chores, allowance, homework, Activity Days...advice is welcome). But we're excited to embark on this new adventure.
New Current Kiddos: Taz (9), Ethan (3.5), Sissy (1), Pumpkin (1 month)
The day that Sunshine left, Taz (who had stayed with us for 2 weeks and then another weekend previously) came back to our home. Our agency called and asked if she could stay with us for another weekend, and we agreed since we've had her before and enjoy having her here. Earlier this week they asked us if we would consider keeping her here as an actual long-term placement. We said yes without hesitation (in fact, Matt had a feeling awhile ago that this might happen). And today everything was approved. I'll be taking her to be registered at our local school tomorrow. There will be some adjusting to do as we figure out life with a grader-schooler (chores, allowance, homework, Activity Days...advice is welcome). But we're excited to embark on this new adventure.
New Current Kiddos: Taz (9), Ethan (3.5), Sissy (1), Pumpkin (1 month)
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Life Changes Without Notice
Less than a week since Tiny came, we got a call from our agency letting us know that Sunshine and Sissy's mom was in labor and that he be removed. And their question was, can you take him? If we said yes, we would have 5 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months, and a newborn). But that's just too insane, even for us. So we told them that in order for us to take the newborn (Pumpkin), they would have to find a new home for Tiny.
It took them a day to find Tiny a new home (which was also able to take in his sister that was in a separate foster home) and another day to decide to move him there. But once the decision was made, everything happened real quickly. I had about 2 hours notice before they picked Tiny up (I was able to get all his stuff packed up) and 4 hours notice before I had to pick up Pumpkin from the hospital.
This is our first experience of having a newborn foster child, and it's very different from when we had Ethan. While Pumpkin does wake up at night to eat, it's not as often since he is bottle-fed. And I sleep great as soon as he settles down since I'm not postpartum or nursing. I don't think I'll ever be as tired as I was during the first year of Ethan's life.
So far everyone is adjusting well to having a newborn in the house and one less toddler (which has meant less sleep and less fighting). We have no idea how long our current set of kids will be here, but such is the life of foster-parenthood. All we can do is love and care for them while they are here and hope for the best when they move on.
It took them a day to find Tiny a new home (which was also able to take in his sister that was in a separate foster home) and another day to decide to move him there. But once the decision was made, everything happened real quickly. I had about 2 hours notice before they picked Tiny up (I was able to get all his stuff packed up) and 4 hours notice before I had to pick up Pumpkin from the hospital.
This is our first experience of having a newborn foster child, and it's very different from when we had Ethan. While Pumpkin does wake up at night to eat, it's not as often since he is bottle-fed. And I sleep great as soon as he settles down since I'm not postpartum or nursing. I don't think I'll ever be as tired as I was during the first year of Ethan's life.
So far everyone is adjusting well to having a newborn in the house and one less toddler (which has meant less sleep and less fighting). We have no idea how long our current set of kids will be here, but such is the life of foster-parenthood. All we can do is love and care for them while they are here and hope for the best when they move on.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Life with 4 Under 4
It's been almost 1 week since we accepted our 3rd (official) placement as foster parents, and the first time we've had 2 long-term placements at once. Taking in Tiny (2.5) put us at 4 under 4 (3.5, 2.5, 2.5, 11 months).
It hasn't been as hard as I imagined. After saying yes, both Matt and I had moments of doubt; we wondered if we were biting off more than we could chew. While there has been moments of craziness and frustration (but, then again, we had those times when we "just" had 3 under 4), it has been manageable. It really helps, of course, that Sunshine and Sissy has over 20 hours of visitation a week and that they all sleep through the night. Plus, what's one more toddler when you already have 2?
Tiny is a sweet boy and we've enjoyed watching the progress he's already made in our home. He is non-verbal (only understandable spoken words are bye, hi, and ball) but uses 5-10 signs (more, all-done, please, help, water, thank-you...). I don't know if he learned those signs from me or if he already knew them, but it is great to see him use them more consistently and without prompting. He does hit (others and himself) when upset at times, but has been responding well to warnings and timeouts.
Because of Tiny's background and behavior, I've tried super hard since he's been here to watch my reaction to his and the other children's behavior. Using an overly harsh tone/yelling really upsets him and he will start hitting himself. So when correcting him and the other kids I've tried to use light tones (almost overly happy/cheerful) and treat situations in a matter-of-fact way ("we don't hit, we use soft hands; sit on the stairs until you're ready to be nice"). I've been trying to be better about doing this for awhile with Ethan and Sunshine, but having Tiny here has really been helpful to me in achieving this goal. That's slightly surprising to me, since I have been more busy and stressed since
Tiny arrived.
Tiny arrived.
But in some ways it's not that surprising. Because I've had more on my plate this last week, my priorities and expectations have changed. I don't expect as much from the kids (accidents happen, and that's okay) or myself (Dinner not cooked by the time Matt gets home? Oh well; everyone's alive and sane.). During the day, I've been spending a lot more time playing with the kids and less time facebooking, web browsing, watching Netflix, reading books, or talking on the phone. Basically, I was focused on them as much as I could be and still use the bathroom and do some chores around the house (I pretty much had to at least have them in sight when I had all 3 toddlers at once to ensure that they all survived playtime). While having another kids means less individual time with each of them, the quality of my time with them has increased. I feel like I've been able to be a happier mom and that my children are happier, too. Hopefully I can keep this up if/when my load lightens.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
A Redeeming Emergency Placement
Just over 2 weeks ago, we accepted an emergency placement; the first one we've done in 2 months. We had settled into life with 3, and after the difficulty of the last temporary placement, we weren't too keen on doing it again (it helped that we haven't been asked to do so too many times, so we've only had to say no a couple of times). But when we got the call to take in a 9 year old girl (Taz) for a few days, we just couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Saying yes felt right.
We were a little nervous about it still, due to her age. But it turned out to be a really fun placement. She was really easy to get along with and helped me out around the house and with the younger kids (without me asking her). Taz could have real conversations with me and play games too! It was a nice change from babies and toddlers. It also helped that she was gone at school all day during the week and was a great sleeper.
As happens often with short-term placements, she stayed longer than originally planned. Taz ended up being here for 2 weeks (the limit of being a short-term placement). While life was certainly busier with 4 kids, it was a great 2 weeks. We went swimming, had a game night with friends, went to General Conference and church, played at parks and went for walks, and hung out at home.
This placement really helped us to feel like we could do respite/emergency placements again with older kids, that not all older children would be difficult. I really enjoyed teaching her the gospel and it was amazing how receptive she was to it as we prayed, had Family Home Evening, scripture study, church, and General Conference. I hope that her short time in our home gave her a glimpse of the future she can still have, despite her family situation right now. Hopefully it will give her the strength to face whatever is ahead of her.
We were a little nervous about it still, due to her age. But it turned out to be a really fun placement. She was really easy to get along with and helped me out around the house and with the younger kids (without me asking her). Taz could have real conversations with me and play games too! It was a nice change from babies and toddlers. It also helped that she was gone at school all day during the week and was a great sleeper.
As happens often with short-term placements, she stayed longer than originally planned. Taz ended up being here for 2 weeks (the limit of being a short-term placement). While life was certainly busier with 4 kids, it was a great 2 weeks. We went swimming, had a game night with friends, went to General Conference and church, played at parks and went for walks, and hung out at home.
This placement really helped us to feel like we could do respite/emergency placements again with older kids, that not all older children would be difficult. I really enjoyed teaching her the gospel and it was amazing how receptive she was to it as we prayed, had Family Home Evening, scripture study, church, and General Conference. I hope that her short time in our home gave her a glimpse of the future she can still have, despite her family situation right now. Hopefully it will give her the strength to face whatever is ahead of her.
Sunday, July 19, 2015
There are Limits
Last weekend we took in two brothers, ages 5 (C) and 7 (M). They got here at bedtime and it took awhile to get them to settle down and fall asleep (totally understandable as they are in a stranger's home). They were up real early though, resulting in them only getting 8 hours of sleep. M got mad about something pretty early on and kept saying he didn't like it here and that he wanted to go home to his mom. We explained to him that they'll be here for the weekend and then we'll see what the social worker says when they come in a few days. He tried to open the front door a few times, but with the doornob cover we have on it (even though he can rip it off) and the two locks, I was able to stop him before he got the door open. I explained that in our house we have two big rules for safety: don't leave the house without permission and don't hit/kick/push others. I told him that if he behaved and listened well the rest of the morning, he could play minecraft after lunch while the little ones napped. That seemed to smooth things over and we all had a great rest of the morning. We even went to the park and we didn't have any more incidents...
Until after we let him play minecraft for a bit after lunch. The little kids were still sleeping when his time was up on the computer. I gave him a few options for quiet activities to do until they woke up, and he wasn't happy with any of them. He started calling me names, and when I tried to do put him in time out, everything blew up. He tried repeatedly to escape our house and it was all Matt and I could do to block the door. He continued calling us names and started throwing toys at us and that he wants to go home to his mom. Eventually the situation escalated to the point that we decided that we had to call our caseworker. I made the call while Matt delt with M; after hearing about what was going on, our caseworker made the 1 hour trip to our house. By the time I got off the phone, Matt had calmed M down, but only after M tried to get out the second story window. That's when we knew that the situation with M is beyond our ability to handle.
After our caseworker got here and talked to M, she too determined that it would be best for him to be moved. We felt really bad about doing that (it's our first placement disruption) but we just didn't feel like it was safe for him to be at our house anymore. This placement was only supposed to be for the weekend, and we couldn't even last 1 day with him. But there are limits to what we can and cannot handle. We also felt bad for our caseworker...we pretty much ruined her Saturday. She couldn't leave our house until everything was figured out, and it was 4 hours before they were able to find a new home for M to go to.
When it was finally time for M to leave, it was already bedtime and C was exhausted and ready to sleep. Saying goodbye to his brother was really tough for him, making us feel even worse about the whole thing (there was only room for 1 where M was going, so we agreed to keep C for the rest of the weekend). After M left C pushed me and said he hated me, but I was able to calm him down pretty quickly. We had a good talk about feelings and I told him it was okay to cry and be sad, but that it's not okay to hit and say mean things.
C was with us for 3 more days, and it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Some pushing/hitting and namecalling, but nothing that we couldn't handle. He was a sweet kid and his behavior improved over time as he got used the the rules and structure of our home. Telling him that it was time for him to leave and go to a new home was difficult; he was just starting to get used to things here. I had no real answers for him; I didn't know where he was going or how long he'd be there. But there was no way we could keep him long term due to carspace.
This placement was the hardest one by far that we've had out of the 14 foster kids that have come through our home so far. It was emotionally draining to deal with a child who didn't want to be here and was hateful and becoming violent in his anger and trying to run away. It was emotionally draining to have to make the decision to move a child that have already been moved twice that week and deal with the guilt of doing so. But this placement has also shown us our limits as to what we can and cannot handle. And looking back, I know that we made the best decision for everyone involved. We were able to keep everyone safe, and that's what's most important.
Until after we let him play minecraft for a bit after lunch. The little kids were still sleeping when his time was up on the computer. I gave him a few options for quiet activities to do until they woke up, and he wasn't happy with any of them. He started calling me names, and when I tried to do put him in time out, everything blew up. He tried repeatedly to escape our house and it was all Matt and I could do to block the door. He continued calling us names and started throwing toys at us and that he wants to go home to his mom. Eventually the situation escalated to the point that we decided that we had to call our caseworker. I made the call while Matt delt with M; after hearing about what was going on, our caseworker made the 1 hour trip to our house. By the time I got off the phone, Matt had calmed M down, but only after M tried to get out the second story window. That's when we knew that the situation with M is beyond our ability to handle.
After our caseworker got here and talked to M, she too determined that it would be best for him to be moved. We felt really bad about doing that (it's our first placement disruption) but we just didn't feel like it was safe for him to be at our house anymore. This placement was only supposed to be for the weekend, and we couldn't even last 1 day with him. But there are limits to what we can and cannot handle. We also felt bad for our caseworker...we pretty much ruined her Saturday. She couldn't leave our house until everything was figured out, and it was 4 hours before they were able to find a new home for M to go to.
When it was finally time for M to leave, it was already bedtime and C was exhausted and ready to sleep. Saying goodbye to his brother was really tough for him, making us feel even worse about the whole thing (there was only room for 1 where M was going, so we agreed to keep C for the rest of the weekend). After M left C pushed me and said he hated me, but I was able to calm him down pretty quickly. We had a good talk about feelings and I told him it was okay to cry and be sad, but that it's not okay to hit and say mean things.
C was with us for 3 more days, and it was pretty uneventful for the most part. Some pushing/hitting and namecalling, but nothing that we couldn't handle. He was a sweet kid and his behavior improved over time as he got used the the rules and structure of our home. Telling him that it was time for him to leave and go to a new home was difficult; he was just starting to get used to things here. I had no real answers for him; I didn't know where he was going or how long he'd be there. But there was no way we could keep him long term due to carspace.
This placement was the hardest one by far that we've had out of the 14 foster kids that have come through our home so far. It was emotionally draining to deal with a child who didn't want to be here and was hateful and becoming violent in his anger and trying to run away. It was emotionally draining to have to make the decision to move a child that have already been moved twice that week and deal with the guilt of doing so. But this placement has also shown us our limits as to what we can and cannot handle. And looking back, I know that we made the best decision for everyone involved. We were able to keep everyone safe, and that's what's most important.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Doing Hard Things
"For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:37) It's amazing what we can do through God's help that we couldn't do alone.
A couple of weeks ago, we took in a 2 year old little boy (H) for respite for a weekend; he was so good and we had a great time. Then just hours after H left, we got a call asking us to take him and his 9 month old sister (D) in for a few days while they found them a new foster home. Without too much thought, I said yes. After I hung up the phone, it hit me that by taking them, I'll now have 5 kids under 4 (3, 2, 2, 9 months, 7 months). I started panicking a little and praying that D was as good of a sleeper as H.
That first night, after the usual bedtime routine and all the kids were in bed, 4 out of 5 were crying and none were asleep. Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "what did we get ourselves into!?" I had half a mind to call their DCS worker up the next morning and tell them that we just can't do this, not even for 4 more days. But within half an hour, all the kids calmed down, and soon all were asleep. And everyone slept through the night!
So we did do it; we lasted 5 days having 5 kids under 4. And the crazy thing was, by the last night, after all the kids were asleep, Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "we could keep doing this longer." If it wasn't for the fact that we didn't have a van to transport all the kids, we really might have considered keeping H and D as a regular foster placement. Something that seemed crazy and impossible at first all of a sudden had become doable.
This whole experience reminded me of a story in the Book of Mormon where Alma and his people were in bondage to the Lamanites. They had great burdens placed on them and life was very difficult. They turned to the Lord in prayer and the Lord eased their burdens; "the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease" (Moisah 24:15). The nature of their burdens didn't change, but they became stronger with God's help. I feel like that's what God did for us in those 5 days; the kids didn't become better behaved or perfect sleepers (actually, in some ways, they got worse). But we were able to handle it, to be patient and organized enough to stay sane. My testimony was strengthened by this and I know that God will always help me through any difficulty I will face in the future. I am also more confident as a mother; I'm not perfect and I don't always respond in the the best way to my kiddos, but I am trying and improving and doing a good job.
God knows me and He knows my potential. While my life isn't what I imagined it would be like or planned it to be, I trust in His plan and know that all will be well. With His help, I can handle anything.
A couple of weeks ago, we took in a 2 year old little boy (H) for respite for a weekend; he was so good and we had a great time. Then just hours after H left, we got a call asking us to take him and his 9 month old sister (D) in for a few days while they found them a new foster home. Without too much thought, I said yes. After I hung up the phone, it hit me that by taking them, I'll now have 5 kids under 4 (3, 2, 2, 9 months, 7 months). I started panicking a little and praying that D was as good of a sleeper as H.
That first night, after the usual bedtime routine and all the kids were in bed, 4 out of 5 were crying and none were asleep. Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "what did we get ourselves into!?" I had half a mind to call their DCS worker up the next morning and tell them that we just can't do this, not even for 4 more days. But within half an hour, all the kids calmed down, and soon all were asleep. And everyone slept through the night!
So we did do it; we lasted 5 days having 5 kids under 4. And the crazy thing was, by the last night, after all the kids were asleep, Matt and I looked at each other with a look of "we could keep doing this longer." If it wasn't for the fact that we didn't have a van to transport all the kids, we really might have considered keeping H and D as a regular foster placement. Something that seemed crazy and impossible at first all of a sudden had become doable.
This whole experience reminded me of a story in the Book of Mormon where Alma and his people were in bondage to the Lamanites. They had great burdens placed on them and life was very difficult. They turned to the Lord in prayer and the Lord eased their burdens; "the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease" (Moisah 24:15). The nature of their burdens didn't change, but they became stronger with God's help. I feel like that's what God did for us in those 5 days; the kids didn't become better behaved or perfect sleepers (actually, in some ways, they got worse). But we were able to handle it, to be patient and organized enough to stay sane. My testimony was strengthened by this and I know that God will always help me through any difficulty I will face in the future. I am also more confident as a mother; I'm not perfect and I don't always respond in the the best way to my kiddos, but I am trying and improving and doing a good job.
God knows me and He knows my potential. While my life isn't what I imagined it would be like or planned it to be, I trust in His plan and know that all will be well. With His help, I can handle anything.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Emergency "Short" Term Placement
Just 1.5 days after our respite boys (R and P) left, we got a call in the middle of the night for an emergency placement. They just needed a place for a 4 year old girl (M) and 9 year old boy (T) to stay for 2 days while they figured out a relative placement for them. While having 5 kids again would be hard (especially when we were looking forward to relaxing after R and P left), we said yes. It was midnight; what if they couldn't find anyone else? I didn't want to say no when we had empty beds available.
They were coming from over an hour away, so I took that time to shower and get their beds ready for their arrival. When they got here, the first thing M said was "Where's the dog?" (don't know where she got that from; we don't have any pets). T was completely silent and wouldn't answer any questions. It wasn't until the social worker left that the tears started. They didn't want to sleep in separate rooms (it's a rule that boys and girls need to be in separate bedrooms, even siblings). Here they were at a strangers home in the middle of the night, and they couldn't even have each other for comfort. It took me awhile to convince them to go upstairs to see the rooms, and even longer for M to agree to sleep in the girls' room with Sunshine and Sissy. I had to plug in 1 nightlight per room plus 1 in the hallway. I also gave T a star projector nightlight to use as well, since he had to sleep alone (Ethan could have stayed in there with him, but we didn't have another bed, so he slept in our bed instead). I also made sure they knew where my room and the bathroom was, and kept their doors open. It was 2:30am before I got to bed; I got about 4-5 hours of sleep that night.
T didn't go to school the next day, and having 5 kids at home all day was a challenge, but doable. The next day was easier with T off at school all day (7:30-5) and Sunshine and Sissy gone for a visit in the morning. The next afternoon however, they asked if we could keep them until Monday (which I found out later they really meant Tuesday, as Monday was Memorial Day; they didn't actually leave until Wednesday). While the thought of having them stay for the weekend was a little overwhelming, we said yes. We didn't want them to have to go to another stranger's home for a few days and then have to be moved again when the relative placement was ready.
We survived the weekend and managed to have a lot of fun. Matt and I took turns taking a few of the kids out to do things, as our car does not have enough seats for everyone. We went to a baptism at my church, the zoo, a birthday party, and over to a friend's house so T could have kids his age to play with. We went one lots of walks, to the park, and played outside in the sandbox. We watched TV shows and let T play minecraft.
Having M and T here was a fun, challenging learning experience. They were great kids. M loved to help with diaper changes and cooking. T loved holding and feeding Sissy, and also helped mow the lawn. But, as all kids do, they also fought, hit, and threw fits. One night after a visit they cried, occasionally screaming and kicking, on the couch for almost half an hour. When they finally calmed down enough, we went for a walk which really helped. Their last night here was the worst. T didn't want to go to bed because he has a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. And he got M all upset too and then she wouldn't leave his side and they both wanted to sleep in the same room again. I tried all sorts of things to get them to calm down, but what finally worked was me offering to sleep in the hallway that night. That satisfied them and they went to bed in their separate rooms willingly.
They left the next morning and it was mostly a relief. I really liked them and came to love them and care about them a lot, but handling 5 kids (with 4 of them being foster kids) for 8 days really stretched us. Being back to have only 3 kids in the house the past few days has been amazing. I feel a lot more in control and not overwhelmed. The first things I did after they left was shower (without having Matt home), clean, spend one-on-one time with Ethan, and go grocery shopping. Those were the things that was hard to do when M and T were here. Someday I hope to have the ability to handle more children at one time long term (it would certainly help once we have a van), but for now, 3 is plenty!
They were coming from over an hour away, so I took that time to shower and get their beds ready for their arrival. When they got here, the first thing M said was "Where's the dog?" (don't know where she got that from; we don't have any pets). T was completely silent and wouldn't answer any questions. It wasn't until the social worker left that the tears started. They didn't want to sleep in separate rooms (it's a rule that boys and girls need to be in separate bedrooms, even siblings). Here they were at a strangers home in the middle of the night, and they couldn't even have each other for comfort. It took me awhile to convince them to go upstairs to see the rooms, and even longer for M to agree to sleep in the girls' room with Sunshine and Sissy. I had to plug in 1 nightlight per room plus 1 in the hallway. I also gave T a star projector nightlight to use as well, since he had to sleep alone (Ethan could have stayed in there with him, but we didn't have another bed, so he slept in our bed instead). I also made sure they knew where my room and the bathroom was, and kept their doors open. It was 2:30am before I got to bed; I got about 4-5 hours of sleep that night.
T didn't go to school the next day, and having 5 kids at home all day was a challenge, but doable. The next day was easier with T off at school all day (7:30-5) and Sunshine and Sissy gone for a visit in the morning. The next afternoon however, they asked if we could keep them until Monday (which I found out later they really meant Tuesday, as Monday was Memorial Day; they didn't actually leave until Wednesday). While the thought of having them stay for the weekend was a little overwhelming, we said yes. We didn't want them to have to go to another stranger's home for a few days and then have to be moved again when the relative placement was ready.
We survived the weekend and managed to have a lot of fun. Matt and I took turns taking a few of the kids out to do things, as our car does not have enough seats for everyone. We went to a baptism at my church, the zoo, a birthday party, and over to a friend's house so T could have kids his age to play with. We went one lots of walks, to the park, and played outside in the sandbox. We watched TV shows and let T play minecraft.
Having M and T here was a fun, challenging learning experience. They were great kids. M loved to help with diaper changes and cooking. T loved holding and feeding Sissy, and also helped mow the lawn. But, as all kids do, they also fought, hit, and threw fits. One night after a visit they cried, occasionally screaming and kicking, on the couch for almost half an hour. When they finally calmed down enough, we went for a walk which really helped. Their last night here was the worst. T didn't want to go to bed because he has a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. And he got M all upset too and then she wouldn't leave his side and they both wanted to sleep in the same room again. I tried all sorts of things to get them to calm down, but what finally worked was me offering to sleep in the hallway that night. That satisfied them and they went to bed in their separate rooms willingly.
They left the next morning and it was mostly a relief. I really liked them and came to love them and care about them a lot, but handling 5 kids (with 4 of them being foster kids) for 8 days really stretched us. Being back to have only 3 kids in the house the past few days has been amazing. I feel a lot more in control and not overwhelmed. The first things I did after they left was shower (without having Matt home), clean, spend one-on-one time with Ethan, and go grocery shopping. Those were the things that was hard to do when M and T were here. Someday I hope to have the ability to handle more children at one time long term (it would certainly help once we have a van), but for now, 3 is plenty!
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