Since I've become a foster mom, every Mother's Day I think of the "other moms". The moms who gave birth to the foster kids we've had. Their children color me pictures, make me cards, gives me hugs and kisses, tells me they love me, and say "Happy Mother's Day". And while I do make a point of helping their children make them a Mother's Day card, they are alone on this special day.
It's a sobering thought, that a child another women carried and delivered calls me/see me as their mom, or one of their moms. While the actions of the "other moms" was what resulted in their children being with me instead of them on Mother's Day, my heart still goes out to them. I can only imagine the extent of their heartache and how hopeless they feel.
To all of the "other moms" of all the kids that have stayed with us (whether it was for a day or a year), Happy Mother's Day. Whether you are with your children again on this special day or not, know that you will always be their Mother, the one who gave them life, and they will always hold you in a special place in their heart.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
Update
It's been awhile since I've posted, so here's a short update. Tigger left in December to live with relatives. It was hard having her leave, especially since things were heading towards adoption, but over time we've been able to see that it was the best for her and our family. And it greatly helps that her relatives have chosen to keep in contact with us and we have been able to see her often over the last 6 months. We know that she is safe and happy. And that's what really matters. She's the first kid who have left our home that we've been able to see again, and it's so comforting to see that she's doing well.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Siblings Reunited
A few days ago, we got a call about Chip and Smallz's 7 year old sister (we found out about her existence about a month after getting the boys). She was staying with a relative, but now had to come into foster care. They wanted to know if we could take her. It was a hard decision at first. We already had 4 kids and weren't planning on going back up to 5. Things were comfortable. We had all just adjusted to Taz leaving a month previously. Did we really want to change things up again when things are going so great? Yet how could we say no? We had the extra bed and car-space. We knew we could handle another (especially an older school aged kid) if we really wanted to. And most importantly, we knew how much it would mean to the siblings to be able to be together. So we said yes.
And we are so glad that we did. That first night, the boys' sister (Sweet Sis) thanked me for letting her come, that she really wanted to be with her brothers. At that moment I knew that we'd made the right decision. She has been so sweet and helpful. And she is wise beyond her years. She says so many things that touch my heart deeply: "I'll be good for you." "You guys are helping my family by taking care of us while they're working on getting better." "You guys take care of us like we're your own kids." "You guys keep us really safe."
She's going through so many changes with a new home, new school, new people, new routines, and new foods. As glad as Sweet Sis is that she's with her brothers, she still misses the rest of her family a lot. One thing that has helped her a lot is praying. Praying for help to feel better, praying for her parents to be able to do the things they need to do, praying that they can all be together again soon. Coloring/drawing pictures for her parents also helped. And just talking about how she's feeling. Sometimes I've had to put off preparing dinner or getting the kids ready for bed to sit with her while she cries and we talk. I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me those things that are in her heart.
Having Sweet Sis here has been a little of an adjustment for Tigger and Ethan as well, but everyone is getting along pretty well. 5 kids is a lot, but when they're all so well-behaved and play so nicely together, it doesn't seem like it. Of course they all have their moments and fight and hit and argue, but really, they're just such good kids.
Well, until further notice we are again a family of 7. Current kiddo line-up: Sweet Sis (7), Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2).
And we are so glad that we did. That first night, the boys' sister (Sweet Sis) thanked me for letting her come, that she really wanted to be with her brothers. At that moment I knew that we'd made the right decision. She has been so sweet and helpful. And she is wise beyond her years. She says so many things that touch my heart deeply: "I'll be good for you." "You guys are helping my family by taking care of us while they're working on getting better." "You guys take care of us like we're your own kids." "You guys keep us really safe."
She's going through so many changes with a new home, new school, new people, new routines, and new foods. As glad as Sweet Sis is that she's with her brothers, she still misses the rest of her family a lot. One thing that has helped her a lot is praying. Praying for help to feel better, praying for her parents to be able to do the things they need to do, praying that they can all be together again soon. Coloring/drawing pictures for her parents also helped. And just talking about how she's feeling. Sometimes I've had to put off preparing dinner or getting the kids ready for bed to sit with her while she cries and we talk. I'm glad she trusts me enough to tell me those things that are in her heart.
Having Sweet Sis here has been a little of an adjustment for Tigger and Ethan as well, but everyone is getting along pretty well. 5 kids is a lot, but when they're all so well-behaved and play so nicely together, it doesn't seem like it. Of course they all have their moments and fight and hit and argue, but really, they're just such good kids.
Well, until further notice we are again a family of 7. Current kiddo line-up: Sweet Sis (7), Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2).
Thursday, August 25, 2016
I Wouldn't Trade it for Anything
There's this question that I get all the time as a foster mom, and I've never quite known how to answer it. The question is: "How can you say goodbye to your foster kids after getting so attached and loving them so much?" (This is usually followed by a statement along the lines of, "I could never do it." Or "You're so amazing"). Well I watched a movie called "Paycheck" yesterday that finally helped me phrase my answer in the perfect way. Here's a quote that explains my feelings perfectly:
"Rachel Porter: You asked me the strangest question.
Michael Jennings: What?
Rachel Porter: If I knew it wouldn't work out for you and I, before we were together, would I have done it?
Michel Jennings: What did you say?
Rachel Porter: That I wouldn't trade our time for anything."
And that is how I feel. That's how I can continue doing foster care, placement after placement, loss after loss. I'm no saint, I have my moments of impatience, I yell, I engage in power struggles with the kids over pointless things. But I'm a good mom, not perfect, but good. I love Ethan and all the kids that have come, and gone. Even the hard ones, even the ones that were here for just a few days. I look back at those pictures and and videos and think back on those memoires. There were good ones, and bad ones. But mostly good, and the good overshadow the bad.
So here's my answer to the many who have asked me (doctors, dentists, friend, church member, random stranger, family member) how I can handle being a foster mom and get so attached and let them go: I wouldn't trade my time with those kids for anything. I deeply desire to add to my family permanently, but my time with every kid that we've had in our home was worth it, it was not a waste, even though it wasn't meant to be forever. They needed me, and I them. Our time together is over, but I'll cherish the memories we've had forever, and learn from them too. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
"Rachel Porter: You asked me the strangest question.
Michael Jennings: What?
Rachel Porter: If I knew it wouldn't work out for you and I, before we were together, would I have done it?
Michel Jennings: What did you say?
Rachel Porter: That I wouldn't trade our time for anything."
And that is how I feel. That's how I can continue doing foster care, placement after placement, loss after loss. I'm no saint, I have my moments of impatience, I yell, I engage in power struggles with the kids over pointless things. But I'm a good mom, not perfect, but good. I love Ethan and all the kids that have come, and gone. Even the hard ones, even the ones that were here for just a few days. I look back at those pictures and and videos and think back on those memoires. There were good ones, and bad ones. But mostly good, and the good overshadow the bad.
So here's my answer to the many who have asked me (doctors, dentists, friend, church member, random stranger, family member) how I can handle being a foster mom and get so attached and let them go: I wouldn't trade my time with those kids for anything. I deeply desire to add to my family permanently, but my time with every kid that we've had in our home was worth it, it was not a waste, even though it wasn't meant to be forever. They needed me, and I them. Our time together is over, but I'll cherish the memories we've had forever, and learn from them too. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
A Difficult Goodbye
Today, Taz left to live with her dad. We've known this was the plan for a couple months, the longest notice we've had for any of our kids who have left. So you could say that we've had plenty of time to prepare for this goodbye, but really, is any length of time "enough" to say goodbye forever?
It's interesting, because you'd think it would've been harder to say goodbye to the babies and toddlers we've had who were here around the same length of time that Taz has been (9 months). But it wasn't. She's only been gone for a couple of hours and it's already harder. We got attached to her more than any of the others who have left, which may seem odd because she's older and people seem to think that it's easier to attach to and love babies and toddlers, but that's just not always the case. I don't know why Taz got attached to us so quickly or why we came to love her so quickly, but it was very natural. She was, and is, our daughter. So saying goodbye today was no fun.
All week, while packing up her stuff and getting ready for her to leave, there have been many moments when I've thought, "this is the last time". The last time taking her to the store, the last time going to the park together, the last time going swimming together, the last meal, the last song goodnight, the last hug. Because we may never see her again in this lifetime.
Sending her off today, I felt like how I imagine a parent would feel like sending their child off to college. Worrying if we've taught her enough to take care of herself, to be safe and successful in the world. It's a weird feeling, feeling the need to squish everything Taz would need to learn into 9 short months (especially when for 6 of those months we thought we'd have at least a year or two or more). Because we don't know if anyone will teach her those values and life skills we feel is necessary.
But even a parent sending their child off to college (or a mission or anywhere) can write letters, call, skype, or visit. We don't have those options. All we can do now is pray for her. She is in God's hands.
So, for now, we are a family of 6: Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2)
It's interesting, because you'd think it would've been harder to say goodbye to the babies and toddlers we've had who were here around the same length of time that Taz has been (9 months). But it wasn't. She's only been gone for a couple of hours and it's already harder. We got attached to her more than any of the others who have left, which may seem odd because she's older and people seem to think that it's easier to attach to and love babies and toddlers, but that's just not always the case. I don't know why Taz got attached to us so quickly or why we came to love her so quickly, but it was very natural. She was, and is, our daughter. So saying goodbye today was no fun.
All week, while packing up her stuff and getting ready for her to leave, there have been many moments when I've thought, "this is the last time". The last time taking her to the store, the last time going to the park together, the last time going swimming together, the last meal, the last song goodnight, the last hug. Because we may never see her again in this lifetime.
Sending her off today, I felt like how I imagine a parent would feel like sending their child off to college. Worrying if we've taught her enough to take care of herself, to be safe and successful in the world. It's a weird feeling, feeling the need to squish everything Taz would need to learn into 9 short months (especially when for 6 of those months we thought we'd have at least a year or two or more). Because we don't know if anyone will teach her those values and life skills we feel is necessary.
But even a parent sending their child off to college (or a mission or anywhere) can write letters, call, skype, or visit. We don't have those options. All we can do now is pray for her. She is in God's hands.
So, for now, we are a family of 6: Ethan (4), Tigger (4), Chip (4), Smallz (2)
Sunday, June 19, 2016
The Return of Tigger
So a week after Chip and Smallz arrived, we got a call from our social worker about Tigger. The relative that she had been staying with for about a month wanted her to be removed. Again. Because they couldn't handle her behaviors. Again.
Even though we already have 4 kids, we said YES to talking her back without hesitation. But it took two weeks to actually get her here due to paperwork, as we were at capacity with 3 foster children already. It took awhile for everyone to figure out what needed to be done and increase our capacity to 4 foster children.
Well, is been a little over a week since she's returned, and things have been great. None of the behaviors everyone's talked about have occurred. She's just a normal little girl. She gets into her fair share of trouble, but nothing you wouldn't expect from a preschooler. Nothing we can't handle.
And so far, having 5 kids really hasn't been very different from when we had 4. More dishes to wash and laundry to do, but that's about it. It helps that this fifth child is not a newborn and I'm not recovering from childbirth. And she's a child we've already had before.
We're so glad she's back. We missed her a bunch while she was gone. Not sure how long she'll be here this time around, but we'll enjoy her as much as we can while she's here.
Oh, and Chip is potty trained! It was easier and faster than I anticipated. So now I only have 1 child in diapers. Hurray!
The current bunch: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Tigger (3), Chip (3), Smallz (22 months)
Even though we already have 4 kids, we said YES to talking her back without hesitation. But it took two weeks to actually get her here due to paperwork, as we were at capacity with 3 foster children already. It took awhile for everyone to figure out what needed to be done and increase our capacity to 4 foster children.
Well, is been a little over a week since she's returned, and things have been great. None of the behaviors everyone's talked about have occurred. She's just a normal little girl. She gets into her fair share of trouble, but nothing you wouldn't expect from a preschooler. Nothing we can't handle.
And so far, having 5 kids really hasn't been very different from when we had 4. More dishes to wash and laundry to do, but that's about it. It helps that this fifth child is not a newborn and I'm not recovering from childbirth. And she's a child we've already had before.
We're so glad she's back. We missed her a bunch while she was gone. Not sure how long she'll be here this time around, but we'll enjoy her as much as we can while she's here.
Oh, and Chip is potty trained! It was easier and faster than I anticipated. So now I only have 1 child in diapers. Hurray!
The current bunch: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Tigger (3), Chip (3), Smallz (22 months)
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Many Changes
There was court for J Boy yesterday, and the judge ordered for him to be an in-home services case, which meant that he could go home as long as the home walk-through went well. The walk-though was today and everything checked out. J Boy left this afternoon. DCS will be providing his parents with services and support to make sure he stays safe. It's crazy how short a time he was in our home. But not really; uncertainty is certain in the life of foster care.
What's more crazy is that we received a call last night for another placement (as it was fairly certain that J Boy was leaving today). It was for a 1 year old boy. They told us they had already found a home willing to take his 3 year old sister, but if we were willing to take them both, that'd be great. After a short discussion, Matt and I agreed to take them both. They were coming from an hour away, so we had time to change sheets, move beds, lower the crib, wash dishes, and such to prepare for their arrival late at night.
To our surprise, the 3 year old was a BOY, not a girl like we were expecting. This posed a problem as we are only supposed to have 2 kids in each room. So we had to move the toddler bed back out of Taz's room into our room and move Ethan into it. Then the 3 year old (Chip) took Ethan's bed and the 1 year old (Smallz) had the crib. Oh, and J Boy was in a pack and play already in our room, so thankfully he didn't have to be moved. It worked out fine since Ethan always comes into our room in the middle of the night anyways. He wasn't upset at all to wake up and find himself in our room and new kids in his.
It was a bit crazy at times today adjusting to the 2 new arrivals and taking care of J Boy. I'll admit that I panicked a little as the time for the home walk-through neared; I worried that things wouldn't check out and that they would tell me that J-Boy wasn't leaving afterall. Thankfully, that didn't happen (not that I wanted him to leave, it's just that with the new kiddos here, there was no way I could handle all of them for long).
Ethan enjoyed playing with Chip and wasn't too annoyed by Smallz. They're both pretty well behaved boys. They are sleeping pretty well considering that they're so new here. Eating, I think, will be the biggest challenge, especially for Chip, as he is a VERY picky eater. All the picky kids we've had so far could at least sometimes be persuaded/bribed by a promise of a favorite snack after eating their meal. Not so with Chip. Even Mac-n-cheese and pizza was a challenge. He wanted apple jacks all day long. Utensils also seem to be a foreign object to both boys. The other challenge, also with Chip is that he is not at all toilet trained (he'll be 4 next month). He'll be the 4th kid I've had the "privilege" of training. Though I don't plan on tackling this one anytime soon.
Well, here's hoping things are finally going to settle down now.
Four kids: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Chip (3), Smallz (1)
What's more crazy is that we received a call last night for another placement (as it was fairly certain that J Boy was leaving today). It was for a 1 year old boy. They told us they had already found a home willing to take his 3 year old sister, but if we were willing to take them both, that'd be great. After a short discussion, Matt and I agreed to take them both. They were coming from an hour away, so we had time to change sheets, move beds, lower the crib, wash dishes, and such to prepare for their arrival late at night.
To our surprise, the 3 year old was a BOY, not a girl like we were expecting. This posed a problem as we are only supposed to have 2 kids in each room. So we had to move the toddler bed back out of Taz's room into our room and move Ethan into it. Then the 3 year old (Chip) took Ethan's bed and the 1 year old (Smallz) had the crib. Oh, and J Boy was in a pack and play already in our room, so thankfully he didn't have to be moved. It worked out fine since Ethan always comes into our room in the middle of the night anyways. He wasn't upset at all to wake up and find himself in our room and new kids in his.
It was a bit crazy at times today adjusting to the 2 new arrivals and taking care of J Boy. I'll admit that I panicked a little as the time for the home walk-through neared; I worried that things wouldn't check out and that they would tell me that J-Boy wasn't leaving afterall. Thankfully, that didn't happen (not that I wanted him to leave, it's just that with the new kiddos here, there was no way I could handle all of them for long).
Ethan enjoyed playing with Chip and wasn't too annoyed by Smallz. They're both pretty well behaved boys. They are sleeping pretty well considering that they're so new here. Eating, I think, will be the biggest challenge, especially for Chip, as he is a VERY picky eater. All the picky kids we've had so far could at least sometimes be persuaded/bribed by a promise of a favorite snack after eating their meal. Not so with Chip. Even Mac-n-cheese and pizza was a challenge. He wanted apple jacks all day long. Utensils also seem to be a foreign object to both boys. The other challenge, also with Chip is that he is not at all toilet trained (he'll be 4 next month). He'll be the 4th kid I've had the "privilege" of training. Though I don't plan on tackling this one anytime soon.
Well, here's hoping things are finally going to settle down now.
Four kids: Taz (10), Ethan (4), Chip (3), Smallz (1)
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